The Official Reasons for Unofficial Rules
by Saphura
Summary: Based of my other story "The Official List of Unofficial Rules". Ever wonder why the Enterprise has so many Unofficial Rules? Here's a few reasons.
1. Rule 11

The Official Reasons for Unofficial Rules

So, if you haven't read my _Official List of Unofficial Rules_, I'd suggest you go read that first. For a while I was thinking about posting this on the _Star Trek: 2009_ page cause it seemed to fit those versions more than the Originals, but then I decided that this was were it all started, and even in the TOS universe, the _Enterprise_ probably had its share of craziness. I won't do a Reason for all the Rules, but some of them. You can make requests for Reasons either here, on the Rules, or in a message. Some people have already given suggestions, and those are either lined up ready to go or in the works.

I understand that someone else did something similar a while back. I assure you, I am not copying them. As you are all aware, some of the Rules produce epic mental images.

I'll shut up now. I don't own any of the characters unless they are mine.

* * *

**Rule #11:** Do not use Sulu's foils to make shish kabobs, and don't use the warp engines to cook said shish kabobs.

Lt. Hikaru Sulu was glad he was finally off duty. It had been a long shift and he was tired. Not because he had been busy, but because the Bridge had been absolutely dead. Nothing was happening. The _Enterprise_ was sailing through space as usual. Nothing but stars, rocks, and planets on the sensors. No other ships, no Klingons, no space anomalies, nothing. There had been so much nothing that Chekov had actually fallen asleep at his station, and fell out of his chair at one point

'_It's days like these that make me wonder why I'm a Helmsman,_' Sulu thought. '_It's not like they needed me up there or anything, the ship practically steers herself!_'

He entered his access code to his quarters and waited the half a second for the doors to open. It took one glance to make up his mind, and Sulu was flying through the air onto his bed, landing with a satisfying _phump_.

Sighing, Sulu closed his eyes and listened to the ship working around him. It was never absolutely quiet on the _Enterprise_; there was always some kind of noise: scanners, communicators, voices, music, and above all, the hum of the warp engines.

A new sound entered Sulu's mind; the _twang_ of fencing foils striking each other. He smiled and sat up. That was just what he needed to relax, a few rounds against someone. He needed some form of exercise before he lay down for a nap, he was restless. Sulu grabbed his gym bag and tossed his gear into it. He walked over to his closet where he kept his three foils: one for competition, one for practice, and another one for back up and to give to his opponent (or victim).

"Okay guys, let's go a few rounds…" Sulu froze as he opened the case. Two of the three foils were gone. Someone had broken into his room and stolen his foils! His competition foil was still their, but the practice ones were gone.

"What the Hell?" he cried. "Computer! Locate foil chip A and B!"

'_So glad I had Pavel put locater chips in the handles,_' he thought as the Computer worked.

"Foil chip A is located on Engineering Deck," the Computer reported. "Foil chip B is also located on Engineering Deck."

"Damn it," Sulu growled. "When I get my hands on whoever did this…"

He grabbed his remaining foil, and raced out of his room. Someone was going to pay.

Crewmen practically dove out of the way as Sulu went storming down the corridor with a foil in his hand. Most of them remembered the Psi 2000 incident, and feared it was happening again. In fact Dr. McCoy received more calls about the foil-carrying Sulu than did Security.

Sulu kicked the occupants of the turbo-lift out before they could protest (not that any of them were planning on protesting). "Engineering Deck!" he yelled. His foot tapped impatiently as the lift traveled downwards, almost too slow for the angry Helmsman. The doors barely had time to open before he was out and storming down the new corridor to Engineering, again almost taking out several more crewmen, and causing several more calls to Dr. McCoy.

The first thing Sulu noticed when he entered Engineering was the smell. Instead of the usual smell of machines, metal, grease, and whatever else his nose detected, there was another scent. Something was cooking, and it actually smelled good.

"Mr. Sulu, what in blue blazes are ye doin' down 'ere wi' yer sword?"

Scotty entered Engineering from the door behind Sulu. "Trying to find my other foils," Sulu replied. "And they're in Engineering somewhere."

"Why would yer' swords be down 'ere?" Scotty asked.

"Someone stole them," Sulu growled. "And since when was Engineering transformed into a galley?"

Scotty sniffed the air, and shrugged. "Heck if I know. I was called down 'ere cause someone was cookin' somethin'. The warp engines do get pretty hot…"

Sulu nodded. He had known Scotty to prepare meals using the warp engines as a stove more than once. The Scotsman claimed it made the food taste better. Sulu wasn't sure if that was true, but Scotty's shepherd's pie was really good. No one dared try the haggis though.

"Shall we find out?" Sulu asked.

"Aye," Scotty said. He started to lead the way, but let Sulu come along side him. Having a man with a sword ('_I don't care what he says it is, that thing's a sword!_' he thought) walking behind him made the Engineer uneasy. The two followed the scent of cooking food, and Sulu was able to detect scents of what was cooking: peppers, more onions, and… steak?

Scotty reluctantly took the lead through the narrow corridor to the main warp room. The smells were clearly coming from within; someone was cooking with the warp engines, and without permission from the Chief Engineer.

"What the…!"

Scotty and Sulu stopped and stared at the group huddled above a warp engine pipe. The group, consisting of three Engineering technicians and a Science ensign, turned and stared back, becoming frightened as they realized they had been found out.

Sulu's eyes bulged out in anger. "My foils!" Two of the technicians held his foils above the engine pipe. Each foil looked like a three foot long shish kabob complete with onions, peppers, zucchini, steak, and mushrooms stuffed onto them.

Scotty's face turned almost as red as his shirt. "My engines!" Droppings from the shish kabobs were all over the pipe, as were the remains of other meals that were prepared with the warp engine without his knowledge.

"Uh-oh," the four chiefs said in unison.

Kirk didn't want to know why four crewmen ran past him screaming as they were followed by Scotty and Sulu. Sulu brandishing his fencing foil in the air as if giving the order to charge, and Scotty yelling in incoherent English while waving what looked like two over sized shish kabobs. The Captain just shook his head, and reentered the turbo-lift to return to the Bridge. He would find out the reasons later.

* * *

So this is the first of many I hope. I'll try and update these on a regular basis. Go read my _Rules_, pick out your favorites, and I'll see what I can do ;). Read and Review!


	2. Rule 33

I touched on this one with the Ensigns in the _Unofficial Rules_, and had a few requests for it. Anybody else think this is one of Kirk's theme songs? Remember to review. This will (hopefully) be a weekly thing on Wednesdays.

* * *

**Rule #33**: Do not program the computer to play "Womanizer" whenever the Captain steps onto the Bridge. Or into his quarters. It was funny once, and we have a video, we don't need it happening again.

Captain James T. Kirk was going to learn his lesson, even if it meant teaching him in front of the Bridge crew and other crewmen. He needed to be humbled, and she was going to be the one to do it.

It had been years since she last saw Jim Kirk. They had been dating steady for six months when the truth hit had her. He was only with her because she was attractive, nothing more. That night he came to her apartment, and she gave him a piece of her mind. Ten minutes later, Jim Kirk was kicked out onto the street with his shirt and shoes missing, which wasn't the worst thing she could have done to him. Two days later, he had his arm wrapped around another girl.

"Idiots, both of them," she had said.

Now, she had been assigned to the same Starship he was captaining. Imagine his surprise when she walked through the door and onto the Bridge that first day! She thought he was about to fall out of that throne of his in surprise. Kirk tracked her down once he was off duty, and managed a decent conversation. He told her about what had happened since they broke up, she told him about her fiancé dumping her and everything else. Next thing she knew, she was invited to dinner in his cabin where their catching up conversation continued well into the night.

Their reunion seemed to ignite an old flame in each of them, and soon she was having dinner with him twice a week. Sometimes it was more than dinner.

"Maybe I was wrong about Jim," she thought. "Maybe he's not that bad…"

She had been right about him the first time.

She started to notice how he would check out ever attractive girl that walked past him: crew girls, dignitaries, alien humanoids, anything with a pretty face that he had the potential to get into bed.

Needless to say, she stopped going to dinner.

And then she found _the song_. It was an ancient thing, a three-hundred years old electronic-pop song that somehow seemed to describe James Kirk perfectly. A plan started to formulate itself in her mind. It would take time, and might get her in trouble, but it would be worth it. James T. Kirk had to realize just what he was. Luckily, she was trained as a computer technician, and programming the ship's Computer accordingly wouldn't be too difficult. Timing it would be the hard part.

"Difficult my ass," she muttered once she was finished. "That was too easy!"

* * *

"Morning Jim!"

Kirk looked up from his coffee as McCoy came up along side him. "Morning Bones, anything new?"

"Same old, same old." McCoy shrugged. "A few cuts and scratches, a bruise here or there, nothing major."

"Good, no offense, but the less we need you, Bones, the better," Kirk said.

"None taken," McCoy replied. "In fact, I fully agree with you."

The two entered the turbo-lift. "Bridge," Kirk said, and the lift began to rise. "Bones, why are you coming with me to the Bridge?"

"Because nothing is happening down stairs," McCoy answered. "And something is always happening up there."

"Most of the time," Kirk added, and finished his coffee just as the doors opened.

McCoy was the first to step onto the Bridge, followed seconds later by Kirk. That's when it happened.

"_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer_

_Oh, womanizer, oh you're a womanizer baby_

_You, you-you are, you, you-you are_

_Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer…"_

"Lt. Uhura!" Kirk shouted over the noise. "Turn that off!"

"I'm trying Captain!" Uhura replied. She frantically manipulated the controls trying to turn the song off, and hide a smile that was slowly growing across her face.

"_Boy don't try to front_

_I-I know just what you are-are_

_Boy don't try to front_

_I-I know just what you are-are…"_

Kirk covered his ears and stepped back into the turbo-lift. Suddenly, it stopped. He looked up at his shocked and confused crew; even Spock seemed a bit, well, puzzled by the experience.

"Thank you, Lt. Uhura," Kirk said.

"I, I didn't do it, Captain," Uhura replied. "The song simply stopped on its own when you stepped back."

"What?" Kirk asked.

"It stopped on its own, sir," Uhura repeated.

Kirk blinked a few times, and stepped forward out of the turbo-lift.

"_You! You got me goin'_

_You! You're oh so charmin'_

_You! But I can't do it_

_You! You womanizer…"_

Kirk stepped back again, and the song stopped again. "Oh for God's sake, it goes off every time _I_ step on the Bridge?"

"It would seem that way, Jim," McCoy said. He was grinning, along with a number of others on the Bridge.

"Spock!" Kirk cried.

"It seems that the Security protocol for the Bridge has been altered to play that song when you step onto the Bridge, Captain," Spock said. "It will take some time to correct the problem."

"How long?"

"Thirty-four-point-two…"

"Just do it," Kirk snapped. "In the mean time, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my quarters." He let the turbo-lift doors close, and was gone.

The Bridge crew didn't move for a few moments, trying to take in what just happened.

"Dr. McCoy, might I ask you something?" Spock asked.

"Sure, Spock, what is it?" McCoy leaned on the rail next to Spock's station.

"I am unfamiliar with the term 'womanizer'," Spock said.

The Bridge instantly fell silent. Suddenly, McCoy burst out laughing, soon joined by everyone else. Spock just raised an eyebrow. He couldn't understand what they found so hilarious about his question.

Kirk made his way down the corridor to his quarters. His face was still red from the incident on the Bridge. Until Spock could fix the problem, he didn't dare step foot on his Bridge. He paused for the doors to his room to open and stepped in.

"_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer_

_Oh womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer baby…"_

The song from the Bridge blared through the sound system in his quarters and could be heard down the corridors. Throughout the corridors, crewmen stopped and looked to where the strange song was coming from. Kirk clenched his fists and turned bright red again. He started to shake in anger before throwing his head back.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed at the ceiling, however it carried across the entire deck, and was even heard from the deck above, if you were standing in the right place.

He didn't notice the security camera trained on him, and certainly didn't hear her laughter as she watched him over the security feed.


	3. Rule 98

I forgot to sick this in the last chapter: all lyrics to 'Womanizer' belong to someone else, not me (and I'm glad that they don't belong to me).

* * *

**Rule #98:** Using the Red Alert klaxon to wake someone up for their shift is no longer permitted (even if said person is the Captain).

Something wasn't right on the Bridge. The crew looked at each other nervously, except Spock who merely raised an eyebrow as the ship's chronometer continued to move past a certain point in time. No one was really sure what to do, because this almost _never_ happened. Sure, it happened a few times at the beginning of the voyage, but not now.

Captain Kirk was late for his shift.

It was normal for Kirk to be a minute or two late because he was getting coffee or something like that; but not fifteen minutes! The Bridge crew was beginning to wonder if something was wrong.

"He's still not responding," Uhura said. "And nobody has seen him…"

"It isn't like the Captain to be this late for his shift," Sulu added.

Spock nodded. Secretly, the Vulcan was getting annoyed at Kirk's tardiness. He had a few tests he needed to run down in the Science Labs, and he was losing precious time the more Kirk was late. He pressed a button on the armrest of the chair. "Spock to Dr. McCoy."

"Yeah, Spock, what is it?" the doctor replied.

"Have you seen Captain Kirk?" Spock asked.

There was a brief pause. "You mean he's not on the Bridge?"

"No, he is not, doctor," Spock replied. "I assume he is not in Sickbay?"

"No, he's not here either," McCoy replied. "Did you check Engineering? The Rec. Room? Mess Hall?"

"Yes, doctor, we have checked those locations," Spock answered. "He is not there, nor does he reply to any of our calls."

"Yeah, I heard those," McCoy said. "Jim was pretty beat after last night, did you check his room?"

"I've called his room several times," Uhura called out. "If he's in there, he won't respond."

"You mean you haven't actually looked?"

"The door was also locked," Spock replied. "And my access code would not open it."

"Then I doubt mine would," McCoy said.

"Doctor, I'm sending Mr. Scott down to the Captain's quarters," Spock said. "He will try and get the door open. You are to meet him there and see if the Captain is there, and if necesary, wake him up."

"I hear you, Spock," McCoy said. "I'll meet him there. McCoy out."

"I'm going to need a long pole if he wants me to wake Jim up," McCoy muttered.

Scotty had a huge grin on his face as he walked up to Dr. McCoy, who was playing with his tricorder. "The Capt'n's still in bed, I 'ear."

"There's someone in there," McCoy said. "I've tried my override codes several times. Jim's locked it up tight."

"Well, Doc, let's unlock it!" Scotty said. He pulled out the door's control panel, and hooked up a PADD to it. "Now then, le'see 'ere…"

It took a few minutes for Scotty to find the altered codes, and a few more to get the door open. The door opened halfway, and McCoy peered inside. In the darkness he could see a large lump on Kirk's bed, and heard the Captain softly snoring.

"He's still out," McCoy whispered. "Even your banging didn't wake him up!"

"I thought th' Capt'n was a light sleeper," Scotty said.

"Normally he is," McCoy replied. He looked over the readings from his tricorder. "But not this time. He's still in deep sleep mode. I doubt even a Red Alert could wake him up… wait a second… Scotty…?"

Scotty was grinning again. "Doc, are ye thinkin' wha' I'm thinkin'?"

McCoy grinned back. "I think so."

They made their way over to a comm.-link. McCoy pushed the button. "McCoy to Spock; we found Jim, but he's still out like a light."

"You did not attempt to wake the Captain, doctor?" Spock answered.

McCoy grinned evilly. "No, we had a better idea as to how to do that. Spock, Scotty and I think the Red Alert klaxon needs a testing, don't you…?"

There were a few moments of silence, and then much to everyone's surprise, Spock replied. "Yes, doctor, I believe it does. Attention all decks, we are running a test of the Red Alert system. I repeat: this is only a test…"

Two minutes later, Captain Kirk's eyes flew open as he rocketed out of bed. His sleepy mind was suddenly fully alert, and realized two things:

The Red Alert klaxon was going off

He was twenty minutes late for his shift

He pulled his pants and shirt on, and raced out of his quarters. He didn't notice McCoy and Scotty doubled over in laughter as he raced past them. The turbo-lift was too slow for him as it climbed towards the Bridge. Finally, one minute and forty-three-point-nine-two seconds later (yes, Spock did time the Captain), he burst onto the Bridge.

"Status, Mr. Spock!" he called out.

The Bridge was silent, except for the Red Alert which Sulu calmly turned off. It was only then that he realized his shirt was on backwards, he was wearing his jeans instead of his uniform pants, and his shoes were on the wrong feet. Uhura was trying not to laugh; Sulu was shaking from his quiet giggles, and Chekov seemed slightly mortified that his Commanding Officer looked the way he did. Spock just raised his eyebrow.

Kirk had them all cleaning dishes for a week. Even Spock. 


	4. Rule 196 and 219

My first request Reasons! Since they were short, and slightly related, I stuck them together. So, I give you the Reasons as requested by _Bookdragon01_ (if you have requested a Reason, I will try and put more of them out there in the next few updates).

You all know the deal by now: Read, enjoy, review, request if you so desire.

* * *

**Rule #196:** Do not greet Dr. McCoy with "Eh, what's up, Doc?"

"Do it," they had told him. "He'll think it's funny. Besides, it's been so boring around here, and you know what happens to the Doctor when things get boring."

After a week of treating nothing but paper cuts (only the crew of _Enterprise_ could manage to get paper cuts from electronic PADDs) and bruises, Dr. McCoy was even more grumpy and snappy than usual. The Medical staff avoided him unless absolutely necessary. Even Captain Kirk avoided McCoy. But the real tip off that something was off was when Spock actually let the Doctor _win _one of their arguments (only after McCoy threatened to do bodily harm to the Vulcan, and anyone who got in his way).

So during their eternal off time, the Medical staff consisting of four Ensigns and two Lieutenants decided to play a game of Truth or Dare. And one of them had the great idea to dare him to try and cheer Dr. McCoy up. As if that was possible at this point.

"Are you trying to get me killed?" he cried.

"Hey, you turned down the truth," the Lieutenant said. "And you know the rules, no take backs. So go get the carrot, bunny boy."

Reluctantly, he pulled on the white shirt, gray sweater, the headband, and had the replicator make him a nice big orange carrot before heading back down to Sickbay and McCoy's office. The other players waited at a safe distance near the door, incase they needed a quick getaway. He glared at them as the smiled and giggled at him, telling him to ring the bell. He did.

McCoy looked up from the report he was reading as the bell to his office rang. And it actually rang: he had gotten Scotty to install an old-fashioned doorbell to replace the normal door buzzer a few days earlier, when he was still in a good mood. "Come in!" he called.

His eyes widened as the door slid open to reveal a young crewman leaning against the wall in a white shirt, gray sweater, gray pants, gray rabbit ears on a headband, and munching on a big carrot. The young man straightened up and gave a goofy smile.

"Eh," he whined. "What's up, Doc?"

McCoy blinked as he took in what the young man had just said, and scowled. Ten seconds later, the young man was about ready to kill his friends for thinking up the dare in the first place. That is, if Dr. McCoy didn't get him first.

* * *

**Rule #219:** Do not greet Nurse Chapel by saying "Heloooooo-o nurse!"

It was well known that Nurse Christine Chapel had a small sense of humor. She rarely found a joke funny, but when she did, they were hilarious. However, that didn't matter today, because today she wasn't in the mood for humor.

Yet another away mission had gone wrong. One Security crewman was dead (no one was totally surprised, though they all felt the loss). Pretty much everyone else had an injury of some sort, even though Mr. Spock's was only a minor cut on his forehead. Dr. McCoy, who had two bruised ribs, was yelling at Kirk (broken arm, sprained ankle) in the other room for "being a damn idiot" and for "stupid risk taking". Kirk quietly reminded him that the "stupid risk taking" had saved their butts, which sent McCoy into another tirade. Only the CMO could get away with yelling at his Captain like that and not get court marshaled for it.

Only Chief Medical Officer _McCoy _could get away with yelling at his Captain, First Officer, fellow Department Heads, and several Dignitaries without getting court marshaled for it. No one else on the Medical staff could boast that; and few people in Starfleet Medical had that power either.

She sighed, and looked down at the young Ensign lying on the bio-bed. He had taken a blow to the head, resulting in a bad concussion. Slowly, he started coming around.

"Easy there," she said. "Your head is still in pretty bad shape. How do you feel?"

The Ensign blinked, as if confused by the question. Suddenly, he grinned. "Heloooooo-o nurse!" he whistled loudly.

Chapel's mouth dropped open and she turned red. Sickbay fell silent, even McCoy stopped yelling. He and Kirk peeked in. Ignoring all the eyes on him, the young man reached out for her. Chapel looked down and saw where the hand was going; heck, everyone saw where the hand was going. She slapped his hand away. She spun around to face the nurse tending to another injured crewman. Luckily, the nurse was a male.

"_You _deal with him!" she snapped, and stormed off to find a sedative. The Ensign and Nurse watched her leave.

"Aw come back!" the Ensign moaned.

"Forget it kid," the Nurse replied. "She's out of your league."

"Yeah, I know," the Ensign sighed. "She only has eyes for the Vulcan."

Everyone stole quick glances at Spock, who gave the impression he didn't hear the comment. He did. So did Nurse Chapel. She sent a complaint to Scotty about the slow speed at which the Sickbay doors closed.


	5. Rule 232

As I promised yesterday, here is the flag story. This is the first real tie in with the Rules, and I'm not sure if I'll do more like it because it gave me such a headache trying to figure it out. This one is for _Unknown to Love_, who gave me probably the longest list of favorites.

Read, enjoy, review, request (if you so desire) (more requests are coming!)

* * *

**Rule #232:** Do not attach a Jolly Roger flag to the outer hull of the _Enterprise_.

No one noticed the two figures as they exited the air lock. One had a bandana tied around his helmet; the other had a plastic sword at his side.

"You got it?" the bandana asked.

"Sure do!" the sword answered. "Let's go."

Neither one was entirely sure why they were doing this, but they were. They would bring it back in after a few hours. They quickly preformed their task, and headed back in before anyone noticed what had happened.

However, they didn't come back out for it in a few hours, they forgot about it. It took a while for someone to realize what they had done. And that was because in order to realize what had happened, you had to be off the _Enterprise_.

Commodore Robert Wesley watched as the _Enterprise_ came into visual range of the _Lexington_. Both ships were orbiting Star Base 24; however Wesley couldn't help but feel that the new comer was outshining his ship. Then again, the _Enterprise _always did that. Sure, the _Lexington_ had her own style and grace, yet the _Enterprise_ was different in a way he couldn't describe. There was something special about that ship...

"Kirk is a lucky man," he muttered.

"Sir?" the Navigator asked.

"Nothing," Wesley said. He squinted at the screen. "Lieutenant, what is that?"

"What is what, sir?" the Navigator asked.

"That." Wesley pointed at a small black dot that stood out on the _Enterprise_'s light gray hull. His hair might have been mostly gray, but Wesley still had some of the sharpest eyes on the _Lexington_. "Magnify that area."

"Aye sir," the Helmsman replied.

As the magnified image appeared on the view screen, no one was exactly sure what to make of it. "Mr. Parsons, hail the _Enterprise_," Wesley ordered, shaking his head. "I would _love_ to know what Kirk is up to now…"

"Sir, I have an incoming message from Commodore Wesley on the _Lexington_," Uhura said. "He wants to know… uh…" A confused smile crept across her face.

"What does he want to know, Uhura?" Kirk asked.

"He wants to know since when did the _Enterprise_ become a pirate ship," Uhura answered.

The Bridge went silent as all eyes turned to her. "Say what?" Kirk spluttered.

"That's what the message says," Uhura said, shaking her head. "He's requesting visual…"

"On screen," Kirk said. The view screen changed to a middle-aged man, with a strange mixture of confusion, amusement, and disapproval on his face. "Commodore Wesley, care to explain your last message?"

"I was hoping you would explain, Kirk," Wesley replied. Kirk noticed the amusement in the Commodore's voice, letting him know he wasn't in total trouble. "It is your ship after all, and I would have never pegged you as one for going rouge…"

"Sir, I honestly have no idea what you are talking about," Kirk replied, shaking his head.

"Well then how about I show you," Wesley said. He looked back at his Communications officer. "Parsons, link in our view of the _Enterprise_."

"Aye sir," Parsons replied. The view screen on the _Enterprise _changed again to show the outer hull of the ship, as seen by the _Lexington_.

"I don't see anything," Kirk said. "At least, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Actually, Captain, there is a discrepancy on the hull," Spock said, noticing a black dot.

"At least one of you can see it," Wesley said over the speakers. "Magnify on the same spot as before."

"Aye sir."

Mouths across the Bridge of the _Enterprise_ dropped open in surprise. Spock's eyebrow automatically went up. No one was sure what to say about the large black flag with a skull and crossbones in the center, or why it was on the outer hull. Though most had a feeling it was a left over from the "Speak like a Pirate Day" incident a few weeks back.

"Well Kirk?" Wesley asked.

Kirk ran his hand through his hair. "I have no explanation for that, at least one I would rather not give. Mr. Spock, get someone out there and take that flag down."

"Yes Captain," Spock replied.

The flag was taken down in twenty minutes. It took Kirk months to explain to his superiors the flag was a Lower Deck prank of some type. The culprits were "never" found. The flag was proudly hung in the Rec. Room, taken down only when VIPs were onboard. It stayed there for the remainder of the Five Year Voyage. After that, it mysteriously disappeared…

…Though a very similar flag appeared years later on the outer hull of the _Enterprise-A_...


	6. Rule 67 and 68

This is my first double Reason (as in one Reason for two Rules).

This is not a copy off of _Dreaming of Baby Blues_' story _Food Fight on the Enterprise. _I honestly wrote this before that one was published, however I'm only posting it now. Just putting that out there so people don't think...

Aw forget it. Go read. Remember to review, because I love hearing from you guys.

Just so you know, I will be taking a break from all this for a little while, so there may or may not be an update next Wednesday.

* * *

**Rule #67:** Food fights in the mess hall are banned. If you start one… you don't want to know.

**Rule #68:** Should a food fight start, however, don't turn the replicators into food cannons.

"Security to Bridge!"

Kirk, out of habit, pressed the comm. button with his elbow. "Bridge, Kirk here."

"Giotto here, sir," the Security Chief replied. "We have a situation down in Rec. Room 2."

"One that you can't handle, Mr. Giotto?" Kirk asked. This had to be the first time the stubborn Security Chief had called the Bridge for _backup_ in a Security situation.

"It's gotten out of hand, Captain," Giotto replied reluctantly. "In fact some of my…"

_Splumf_.

"Giotto? Giotto!" The only sounds that came from the speaker were muffled, though Kirk could just make out Giotto barking an order at someone.

"Ugh, damn it," Kirk sighed. "Mr. Spock, from the sounds of things, I'm going to need backup on this. Mr. Sulu, you have the Comm."

"Aye sir," Sulu said as he took over the vacated Captain's chair.

Kirk and Spock entered the turbo-lift. "Deck 5," Kirk said, and the lift began to drop. Ten seconds later, it stopped and they stepped out onto the new deck. They passed several crew members who stood huddled in small groups, whispering. Kirk could have sworn he heard something about mashed potatoes and hair.

"What is going on in there?" Kirk wondered. Even with the door closed, the sound of people yelling could be heard from down the hall. "Ready, Spock?"

"Yes, Captain," Spock replied. They stepped forward, and the door opened.

Kirk was momentarily stunned by the scene in front of him. The Rec. Room was a mess, as were the crew members hiding behind various overturned furniture, lobbing food at each other. A few of the replicators had somehow been transformed into food cannons (the Engineers' doing, no doubt; they could do anything given the incentive), which launched pies, mashed potatoes, ice cream, and various other foods across the room with alarming accuracy.

"Some one mind explaining…" Kirk yelled, but was interrupted mid sentence by a projectile Spock was unable to warn him about.

_Splat_!

The food fight instantly stopped; some people in mid throw. There was a collective gasp as they realized who had just been hit square in the face with spaghetti with red sauce. The thrower, a young red-shirted Ensign, fainted in shock.

Kirk stood still, stunned at what just happened to him. Spaghetti and red sauce dripped from his head onto his uniform (which, ironically, he had just received from the laundry that morning), and the floor. He recovered after a few moments, and wiped the mess off. The crew slowly stood up, dropping what ever foodstuffs were in their hands to the ground. Kirk looked around at the now silent room, and then at the spaghetti in his hand.

"Spock," he said. "Do you like Italian food?"

"No, Captain," Spock replied. For some reason, Italian style food had never agreed with the Vulcan.

"I see," Kirk said. He looked up at his food covered crew. "You will all clean this place up," he ordered.

"Yes sir," they said. They knew they had that coming. A few started to clean up when Kirk added something else.

"Also, _this_ will never leave this ship."

Before Spock could react, Kirk spun around and threw the spaghetti in his hand into his First Officer's face. Two seconds later, the food replicators turned cannons were firing again, and Kirk and Spock dove under a table for cover as food once more flew across the room.

The fight lasted another five minutes, until Kirk finally crawled over to a comm.-panel and told Scotty to cut power to Rec. Room 2. In that time, Kirk found himself covered in more than just spaghetti sauce. He also learned that in a food fight, Spock was definitely the one you wanted on your team. Kirk would later claim that his First Officer "really got into it", though Spock would always deny that. Still, Spock came out with only an ice cream to the head while scoring several hits of his own (including a spot on piece of pie to the side of Sulu's head).

"The logical thing to do in that situation was to fight back," Spock argued.

"Bull," was Dr. McCoy's response. He was on Kirk's side on this one.

As promised, those who took part in the food fight had to clean it up, including Kirk (and Spock to some extent, but only under direct orders). An unofficial notice was sent out a few hours after the fight. The next day, an official notice followed, prohibiting food fights from ever taking place on the _Enterprise_ again (they were already prohibited in the normal handbook, but this one was serious), and under severe punishment for whoever decided to start one. There was also severe punishment threatened should anyone _ever _tell that Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, took part in a food fight. Giotto listed it as a "minor disturbance" at Kirk's request in the ship's Security logs.

Even after most of the participants were transferred off the _Enterprise_, the story of Kirk and Spock joining the food fight never got out, though the story of the epic food fight did circulate among friends. Only years after did the story of Kirk and Spock's participation in the food fight get out; told by a slightly tipsy Captain James Kirk at his retirement party to an Admiral whose brother happened to serve with Kirk on the original _Enterprise_, and who's said brother Kirk remembered as one of those who were manning the food cannon replicators.

"Hey Admiral, since I can't get in trouble for it now, did you ever hear of the time Spock and I got into a food fight…?"


	7. Rule 350

So I wasn't planing on publishing this one for a while, until I realized what was happening tonight; *so sorry if it seems rushed or anything like that*. I'm surprised no one picked up on it before. If anyone can tell me why I am posting this particular Reason on this particular day or what the original reference (the Rule) is to, I will... well, I don' know yet. I'll love them forever and a half, but I'll think of something else. Maybe. If no one gets it, I will be upset and sad. If you want a hint, ask and I'll give you one.

This one's for the explosion-happy Southerner, _Mosstail-Jaywing_. But let's admit it, everyone loves a good explosion, right?

Takes place after _Day of the Dove_. Yes, that was a sucky episode (in my opinion), and I have no idea where the idea came from. But honestly, do you think 400-odd crew personnel would stand-by, trapped while Kirk and the gang battled Klingons? Yeah, didn't think so.

I will shut up now. Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #350:** When in doubt, C4 is not the answer (most of the time anyway).

Everyone was beside themselves. Kirk was beside himself because there was a four–foot-by-three-foot hole in one of the doors in his ship on Deck 4. Scotty was beside himself because there was a four-foot-by-three-foot hole in a door on Deck 4 that he had to fix. Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, and any other onlookers were beside themselves because they couldn't believe there was a four-foot-by-three-foot hole in a door on Deck 4. And Lt. Olson and Lt. Morsey were beside themselves because they caused said four-foot-by-three-foot hole in the door on Deck 4.

What remained of the door was bent, burnt, and twisted, while bits of shrapnel littered the floor of the surrounding area. Kirk ran his hand through his hair. Why did it seem like he was the only Starship Captain who had to deal with this kind of shi... stuff?

"I think we used too much," Olson whispered to Morsey. Morsey nodded.

"Ye _THINK_?" Scotty roared, turning on the two. McCoy and Sulu had to hold him back.

"What possessed you to blow a hole in the door in the first place?" Kirk asked.

"We couldn't get out any other way," Morsey replied. "All exits and passageways were blocked off. So we made our own." He pointed to the hole in the door.

"Makes sense," Sulu said.

"I am surprised you managed to have the replicators produce something other than a bladed weapon," Spock said.

"That's because we had to take it apart…" Olson nodded to the tangled mess o wires around a replicator on the other side of the room. "Took a while to do that. It wouldn't give us phasers, so we settled for something else that would give us an exit."

"Well, it worked," McCoy said. "A bit too well if you ask me."

"What substance did you use?" Spock asked.

"C4," Olson said.

"We didn't think anything else would work as well," Morsey added.

"C4?" Kirk said. "But that stuff isn't used anymore."

"That could be why the alien entity allowed them to replicate it," Spock said. "C4 is normally no longer used."

"Meybe ze alien vas to occupied vith us to vory about ze rest of ze crew as vell," Chekov added.

Kirk nodded. "Makes sense, considering what we were doing at the time…"

"Ye two 'ave th' worst timin'!" Scotty cried. "Five minutes! Ye couldn' 'ave waited five minutes!"

"How were we supposed to know that everything would be unlocked five minutes later?" Olson asked. McCoy and Sulu again had to hold the Scotsman back, and Chekov had to step in and help.

"Kid, shut up now while you're ahead," McCoy grumbled.

"Gentlemen, please!" Kirk sighed. "What's happened has happened. The only problem we have now is explaining this." He waved at the hole in the wall. "To the superiors and whatever Star Base we stop at to repair it."

Everyone groaned (Spock silently). Kirk was not looking forward to explaining it. Scotty was not looking forward to having people other than his crew fixing it. McCoy was not looking forward to treating Kirk for the headaches he was going to get. Sulu and Chekov were not looking forward to the bad mood Kirk would be in. Spock was not looking forward to having to read and fill out his share of paperwork. And Olson and Morsey were not looking forward to whatever disciplinary action was headed their way.

And no one was looking forward to the paperwork.

"Do we have to tell them?" Olson asked. "I mean, couldn't we just keep this quiet?"

"We still have forty Klingons onboard, Olson," Kirk said. "We have to drop them off somewhere."

"Well, then we drop them off and leave," Olson said. "We don't have to let any repair crews or anyone else onboard, right?"

Everyone looked back at the four-foot-by-four-foot hole in the door. The rest of the door frame was still sound, and the wall was undamaged.

"Think you could fix that, Scotty?" Kirk asked.

"Aye, we can fix tha'," Scotty said. "Nothin' major was damaged. Might take a few weeks, bu' it's doable."

Kirk sighed. "All in favor of dropping the Klingons off at Star Base 25, leaving this out of a few reports, and fixing it ourselves say 'aye'."

"AYE!" Olson and Morsey cried. They each raised both hands.

"Aye," Scotty said.

"Aye," Chekov added.

"Aye," Sulu said.

"Fine, aye," McCoy grumbled.

"Aye," a few onlookers added.

Everyone looked at Spock. He raised an eyebrow. "Seeing as I am out numbered in the matter, I vote 'aye'."

"And aye," Kirk finished. "Right, the ayes carry it. Scotty, assemble the men and materials needed for this."

"I've got two right 'ere, sar," Scotty said, pointing at Olson and Morsey.

"Hey!" they cried. "We're not engineers!"

"Ye'ar now," Scotty replied. "Ye can make a hole in th' wall, ye can fix th' hole i' th' wall."

"Exactly," Kirk said. "Sulu, Chekov, set a course for Star Base 25, warp factor 4. Oh, and you two."

Olson and Morsey flinched. "Yes Captain?"

"C4 is not the answer to problems, gentlemen," Kirk said, and then added with a wink; "Most of the time."

"Yes sir," the pyros replied.

"Le's go, lads," Scotty sighed. "We 'ad be'er get started."

Sulu burst out laughing as they walked away.

"What's so funny?" McCoy asked.

"The irony!" Sulu laughed. "All of this took place on Deck 4, Section C!"

* * *

Extra kudos to whoever knows who Olson is.


	8. Rule 49

This Reason is subtitled "Why we love Dr. McCoy". Sometimes, I just want to hug the guy (even though he'd probably hypo me). And I remember someone saying this was an all around good idea for the crew. Remember to review and stuff like that!

* * *

**Rule #49:** If you don't know what it is or what it does, DON'T TOUCH IT!

Dr. Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy was, for lack of better terms, appalled. How was it that a crew of 430 men and women (correction, 429, not including McCoy) survived day to day with a seemingly all around lack of common sense? He couldn't understand it, these people managed to get hurt in the _stupidest_ of ways. He was starting to think that he could write a book entitled: _How I Hurt Myself: the Stories of Injuries on the Starship Enterprise. _He certainly had enough source material.

Normally, the various injuries and illnesses crew personnel came in to Sickbay with were normal: cuts, bruises, allergic reactions, colds, and hangovers. Then there were the not so normal ones but were still fairly common: broken bones, deep gashes, alien viruses, burns (chemical and heat), and concussions. The rarer injuries were hard to list, since some were one time occurrences (a gunshot wound, for instance), but were normally continuations of the more common injuries of the _Enterprise_ crew.

There were also the very unusual but common ones as well, such as paper cuts. McCoy did get one from time to time himself from his paper books, but almost every other day a crew member came in with something he classified as a paper cut. Only the crew of the _Enterprise_ could manage to get paper cuts from electronic PADDs.

However, Dr. Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy had noticed over the years that out of the multiple stupid and idiotic ways the crew managed to injure themselves, there was one method that took the cake: Touch.

It was as if the entire crew had a drive to touch anything and everything that was dangerous. And not just with their hands. Oh no. McCoy would later refer to Kirk's order to penetrate the hole in space as a kid saying "we don't know what it is, and it could be dangerous. Let's poke it with a stick!" Only the "stick" was the _Enterprise_. And the "poke" almost got them all killed by a giant space amoeba-thing.

In all seriousness, most of the crew that came into Sickbay came because they touched something they weren't supposed to. A Lieutenant for some reason wanted to know what would happen if he touched a conduction coil. He was carried in by his buddies unconscious and with his singed hair standing on end. Another crewman came in one day after eating a kind of food that happened to be slightly poisonous to humans. An Engineer came in for touching a melted generator unit that he thought had cooled off (it had not). There was even that one time where Chekov decided to pick a flower before scanning it first, only to find it covered in corrosive poison.

The only time there were no injuries in Sickbay due to people touching things they weren't supposed to was after the Psi 2000 incident. Everyone was afraid to touch everything, especially each other, for a few weeks before they finally realized they weren't contagious anymore, and that non-humanoid things couldn't transmit the disease, in which case the injuries from touching things they weren't supposed to started right back up again. McCoy estimated that Kirk went two weeks before making out with another girl, which was a record for the Captain. And for some reason, Nurse Chapel avoided Spock for months. McCoy still hadn't figured that one out.

But the one crewman out of everybody on the _Enterprise _who topped all the rest for touching what he wasn't supposed to was Captain Kirk. When ever James Kirk showed up in Sickbay, it meant there was something seriously wrong with him. Kirk never came to Sickbay by his own will unless he really needed McCoy's help. The man would shrug off injuries that would have others in bed for weeks, which forced McCoy (and sometimes Spock and others) to drag the Captain down to Sickbay and strap his ass down to one of the bio-beds. Today was no different.

"Damn it Jim!" McCoy cried. He hadn't gone on the away mission with Kirk and Spock for once, and something bad had happened. Kirk's shirt was torn, revealing a deep gash along his chest that extended down his right arm. "Do I _want _to know what you did down there?"

Kirk winced. "No, Bones, probably not."

"Too bad, I do," McCoy growled. "Now si'down!"

Kirk sat down before the Doctor could shove him into a sitting position, and McCoy started treating his injuries. "I'm serious, Jim, what did you do?" the doctor asked.

"Curiosity," Kirk mumbled.

"What?"

Kirk slowly explained what had happened. Basically, they had beamed down to the planet to inspect the station post there. They were walking through the station's garden, and while Spock was inquiring about a familiar plant species, Kirk wandered among the plants. One with bright and strangely colored bark caught his eye, and he decided to see if the bark was really as soft as it looked. It was, but the razor leaves the plant shot at him as a defense mechanism were not. By time he finished his story, McCoy was ready to literally kick him out of Sickbay for stupidity.

"Honestly, Jim," McCoy cried. "Out of everybody on this ship, you lack more common sense than everyone else combined!"

Kirk shrugged. "You could say that."

If looks could kill, Captain James T. Kirk would have been dead on the spot. However, McCoy chose a different method.

When Kirk woke up, he found his chest and arm bandaged. He also found he was strapped to the bed. And had very thick gloves on his hands.

"Damn it, Bones," he muttered.

* * *

The poking the space amoeba with the _Enterprise_ came from a comment I saw on YouTube on that episode. I felt it was something McCoy would say.


	9. Rule 25

Forgot to mention last time that Rule #350 was a reference to the TV show Mythbusters (**love** that show).

Now for today's Reason. This one is for _Anbessette_, but I hope you all enjoy. Remember to review! I love hearing from you guys!

* * *

**Rule #25:** The brig is not to be used as a "time-out zone"; no matter how much someone needs a time-out.

"Aw, c'mon, you got'a be kidding!"

Lt. Oakley looked up from reading a report of the recent away mission (one of the few that could actually be called "successful" in Security terms). It wasn't often he heard another voice down in the Security section. Especially when there wasn't supposed to be anyone in the area at this time of night, let alone the brig. Apparently, he was wrong.

"Hello? Anybody hear me? Damn it, this isn't funny anymore!"

Oakley shook his head. There had been a time where people would lock friends in the brig as a joke. Lt. Com. Giotto had put a stop to that pretty fast when Dr. McCoy somehow ended up in one of the cells (actually, the Doctor put an end to that faster than Giotto could). Every once in a while, someone would lock themselves in accidentally, but that hadn't happened in the last few months. Sighing, Oakley put the report down and stood up.

"Time to free an unwanted prisoner," he muttered.

He looked down both ends of the hall, waiting for the "prisoner" to call out again to figure out which cell he was in. It didn't take long. Whoever it was, they wanted out.

"Let me out!"

"Yeah, yeah," Oakley said, rolling his eyes. "Keep your shirt on. Jeez…"

He stopped in front of Cell 9. A young Yellow-shirted ensign sat on the bunk with his head in his hands. The kid tilted his head back.

"I said I was sorry!" he yelled at the ceiling, as if someone was a level above him and could hear his cries.

"Sorry for what?" Oakley asked. The kid jumped.

"Ah! What?" he cried. "Oh, hello."

"Mind explaining what you're doing in there?" Oakley asked.

"I, uh, I can explain," the kid said. "Sort of, kind of… okay not really. But can you please let me out?"

"I don't know…" Oakley replied. "After all, there is this sign here…"

"They put up a sigh?" the kid said.

Oakley unpinned the piece of paper, and showed it to the kid. 'I am in time-out,' it read. 'Do not let me out until I have learned my lesson.'

"Damn it you guys!" the kid yelled.

"What's your name, kid?" Oakley asked.

"Pell," the kid replied. "Ensign Richard Pell."

"So, this begs the question, Ensign Richard Pell, have you learned your lesson?" Oakley asked. "Or do I have to leave you in there longer until you learn it?"

"I've learned my lesson!" Pell cried. "Now let me out!"

Oakley shook his head; he was secretly having fun with this. "I don't think you have, kid. Now then, mind telling me _why _and _who _put you in there?"

Pell was more than happy to name his punishers. Oakley was more than happy to go and find them. Pretty soon, he had a nice batch of overnight prisoners, and some company for the rest of the night.

* * *

"Kirk to Security."

Oakley reached over and pressed the comm.-link button on the wall. "Security, Lt. Oakley here. What can I do for you, Captain?"

"Mr. Oakley, have you seen Ensign Chekov?"

"Why yes, Captain, I have," Oakley replied. "In fact, I'm looking at him right now."

"Oh really?" Kirk said. "Would you mind sending him up here?"

"Well that would mean letting them out early."

"Early?"

"You see, Captain, Ensign Chekov is in time-out." Oakley sat up. "Along with Ensigns Pell and Alban, and Lt. Ross. They've been in there all night."

"Why?"

"I told you, they're in time-out."

"And when is their "time-out" over?"

"I'll let them out soon, Captain, once they have all learned their lessons."

"Does _Giotto_ know about this?"

There was silence on the other end of the link, except for snickering in the background.

"No, sir, he doesn't."

Kirk looked up as one Lt. Com. Giotto, who just so happened to be on the Bridge, walked over to the comm.-link. "He does now, Oakley."

"Chief!" Oakley squeaked.

The snickers turned into roars of laughter. "You gonna get it now, Oakley!" someone cried.

"Yes, you are," Giotto said. "I'd suggest you let those "time-outtees" go, Oakley, before I come down there and have you join them!"

"Yes sir, right away sir," Oakley said. "Sorry sirs."

"I'll be right up, Keptin!" Chekov said five seconds later.

"Good, Kirk out." Kirk ended the link, and looked at his Security Chief. "I have a feeling you have something you need to take care of."

"Yes, Captain, I believe I do," Giotto replied.


	10. Rules 46 and 47

Because we all know he has one. Seriously, where do you think all the liquor hidden around his room came from? Probably a bit unrealistic (at times), but his is Scotty we're talking about, he can change the laws of physics (with Spock's help, even though he says he can't). And yes, I realize half the stuff is probably as illegal in the future as it is now, sue me why don't you? Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #46:** Mr. Scott does not have a personal still. Such a still is not located on Deck 10 at the end of a service Jefferies tube. Don't go looking for it.

**Rule #47:** Even if he did, he would not share the liquor with you. Nor would he sell it to you for fifteen credits a bottle.

It was an old habit for the Scotsman. With each new assignment, he followed an old check list of his to make his move easier. The three most important steps on this check list were as follows:

1. Meet his new crew. Let those who needed to know who was in charge know that he was in charge, and would not tolerate and usurpers

2. Unpack and set up his room. This included finding hiding places for his excess supply. Once finished, he would play his bagpipes to let his neighbors know he owned a set, and what would happen should they get on his nerves

3. Explore and memorize every inch of his home-away-from-home, the Engineering Section (granted this took some time)

4. Find a good hiding spot for _it_

Scotty, like (most) everyone else, always brought his own stash of alcohol on his assignments, but considering he was often away from places he could restock for months on end, people always came to him to have a drink because they knew he had some (extra), and the stuff the replicators produced was, quote, "absolute bloody crap", end quote, Scotty needed his own readily available source to keep up his stock.

This meant he needed a still of some sort. Luckily, he was an Engineer; better than that, a _Scottish_ Engineer. It wasn't in the job description, but Scotty could build one easily.

So, using his exploration of Engineering and the ship as his cover, Scotty set out to find the perfect place for _it_. He tossed the idea of setting it up in his own quarters and his office out the air-lock days before stepping foot on the _Enterprise_ (bad past experience), and he needed the perfect spot so no one who might get him in trouble could find it. It couldn't be easy to get to, however it couldn't be hard either so he could get to it in times of emergency.

However after searching for days, Scotty was no closer to finding a place for _it _than he was when he started. All the places he had found so far weren't good enough, and he was running out of ship and Engineering to explore, and places to look.

"Tha' by-pass needs to be replaced," Scotty said to no one in particular. He was inspecting a service tube on Deck 10, one of the last areas he hadn't been to yet on the _Enterprise_. He continued down the tube, inspecting various electronics as he went along. He looked up, and noticed a side passageway. Curious, Scotty crawled down the dimly lit passage, and almost fell into the tiny room it opened up into.

The room was probably meant for storage, but Scotty thought of something else.

"Perfect," he whispered.

And perfect it was. The room was at the end of a rarely used Jefferies Tube, and there was a way to access a nearby power coil. Not only that, but with a simple cut into the bulkhead, there was access to the ventilation system. He could even store a few supplies.

Within two days, Scotty had _it _all set up, and was starting his first batch. It would take some time to work out the kinks, but he had a five-year deep space mission ahead of him. He had time.

Good thing too, because the still decided to spontaneously combust during production of the second batch. Scotty managed to cover that up pretty easily.

As time passed, other members of the crew began to wonder how Scotty did it. Whenever there was a gathering of some sort, onboard or off, Scotty would almost always show up with a bottle of something, normally scotch, under his arm to present to the host, or just for people to enjoy. He even gave away a few as gifts. Yet his supply of alcohol never seemed to diminish. Some of his engineers also wondered why their Chief Engineer would, every few days, travel down the same rarely used access Jefferies Tube on Deck 10. There wasn't anything important down there…

…Was there?

It took a while for anyone to discover Scotty's secret; and the first person to do so was, strangely enough, one Ensign Pavel Chekov. Scotty wasn't sure why the Ensign was poking around the Jefferies Tubes (he claimed to be lost), but whatever the reason, Scotty made Chekov swear on Motherland Russia he would never tell a soul about _it_. Chekov did, but not before striking a deal with Scotty to use _it _to make vodka every once in a while. Scotty reluctantly agreed, and a week later, Chekov tested his first batch.

Crew members could always tell, even if they didn't know, when Chekov was making vodka because the Russian and the Scot would argue even more over which was better: vodka or scotch. Once when they asked Dr. McCoy for a third opinion, the doctor chose to be neutral and say bourbon. Neither side was amused with the answer.

However, it didn't take long for Scotty to regret letting Chekov in on his secret. A crewman came up to Scotty on his off period, asking to buy some scotch. Scotty explained he had a limited supply, when the crewman said Chekov had sold a friend a bottle for fifteen credits. Luckily for Scotty, Chekov was off duty as well. Unluckily for Chekov, he was off duty. After almost throttling the Russian into the wall, the Scot had him swear on all that was Russian, and added the threat of death by claymore for good measure, to _never _do something like that again. Chekov did, and avoided Scotty for the next week.

However, at the end of the week, Scotty tracked down Chekov on their off period, and apologized, much to Chekov's surprise. What he failed to mention that others had come to him since and had also asked for a bottle of something; and Scotty gave them a bottle of something. The cost: fifteen credits, and the threat of death by claymore should anyone find out.

And few did, except for whispered rumors. It took a while for Chekov to find out, but it took a little longer for Captain Kirk to finally get his proof.

Scotty entered the Captain's quarters. "Ye asked to see me, Capt'n?"

"Yes, Mr. Scott, I did," Kirk said.

Scotty stiffened. It normally wasn't a good thing when the Captain called him 'Mr. Scott'. "Wha' is it, sir?"

"Two things, actually."

"Aye, wha' are they?"

"I've been told you've been spending a lot of time in a particular Jefferies' Tube on Deck 10," Kirk said. "Though from what I can tell, there is nothing of importance down there that would require you to make frequent visits."

"Uh…" Scotty struggled for words. "A few of the conduits down there 'aven't been workin' right. I fix one, an' a day later another goes."

"I see," Kirk said. "And that's all it is?"

"Aye…"

"Now, for the second thing."

"Aye, Capt'n?"

"I hear you have an excellent selection of scotch."

Scotty turned pale. "I'm sorry, sir!" he cried. "I'll take it apart right away! I should'a never…"

"What are you talking about?" Kirk asked.

Scotty's jaw dropped. "Ye mean… ye dinnae kin, sir?"

Kirk shook his head.

Scotty's hand flew to his forehead. "Then I… aw for th' love of…!"

Kirk ignored the stream of expletives that flew from the Scotsman's mouth. "Actually, Scotty," he said finally. "I was going to ask you if I could have a bottle of something to give to my cousin as a birthday gift, since we're stopping by Star Base 29. However, _this _begs the question of what _are _you talking about?"

Scotty quickly told the Captain about the still at the end of the Jefferies' Tube, Chekov and his vodka, and how he accidentally started an illegal underground liquor business on the _Enterprise_. When he was done, Kirk was silent for a few moments, and Scotty was breathless.

"I've heard rumors of a still on my ship," Kirk finally said. "And quite frankly, I've been curious about them. Somehow I'm not surprised that it was you, Scott."

"I'll take it apart, sir," Scotty mumbled. "Jus', please don' report it, or Chekov, it wasn't 'is fault. I didn'…"

"I'm not going to report anything, Scotty," Kirk said. "And you can keep your still. Just as long as you limit production, and I get a free supply. I any word of this whole thing gets off this ship, we're both screwed. Got it?"

Scotty was stunned for a few seconds, and then grinned. "Aye, Capt'n, will do!"

* * *

This is my longest Reason to date, aren't you guys lucky? Don't think they'll always be this long. Also, these will go back to being on Wednesdays next week.


	11. Rule 425

Seriously, when you think you have the problem fixed, you find it is something else! In short, my laptop is having issues. Agh! It might take a little bit to resolve, so bear with me here, okay?

In the meantime, let's see how many of you guessed correctly why I had to wait until now to post this Reason (if you guessed at all). I had to get this one up while it was still (mostly) relevant.

Remember to review and request (I'm getting around to those, I promise!). If you have Rule suggestions, send them in a PM.

* * *

**Rule #425:** Good Lord, where do you guys find that song? Please stop playing it, it… it… forget it, we're at a loss for words.

"Spock? You're still here?"

Spock spun around in (rare) surprise to find Kirk stepping out of the turbo-lift onto the empty Bridge.

"Where is the shift crew?" Kirk asked, looking around.

"I let them go," Spock said, turning back to the project he had been working on. "I am quite capable of running the ship on my own, as nothing that requires more than one person is occurring right now."

"Mm-hmm," Kirk replied. He walked over to the Science Officer's station. "Spock, what are you working on?"

"A very difficult mathematical explanation that I am close to completing,"  
Spock replied.

"Mathematical explanation of what?" Kirk asked. "You've been working on it all day!"

That was true. Spock had been working on this one proof all day, except during his shifts. He normally would have worked on it in his quarters, or a lab, but the labs were not empty, and his personal computer access in his quarters was still experiencing difficulties associated with a viral prank by the computer science dept. last week. Thus, Spock had been forced to use his station Computer terminal.

"A mathematical explanation of how bad this song is, Captain," Spock replied. "And I believe I have found it…"

"What song, Spock?" Kirk asked.

Spock looked up at him with a look that silently asked, "Do you _really _want to know?"

"What song?" Kirk repeated.

Spock raised an eyebrow, and turned back to his console. "This one, Captain." He pressed a button, and very strange music came out of the speakers:

"_It's Friday, Friday_

_Gotta get down on Friday_

_Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend_

_It's Friday, Friday_

_Getting' down on Friday_

_Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend…"_

Kirk reached over and calmly turned the music off. He stood up straight, and nodded. "Carry on, Mr. Spock, let me know when you have found your explanation."

"Yes Captain," Spock replied.

Kirk left the Bridge, and Spock waited a few moments before turning back to his work and muttering to himself about how humans had such questionable tastes in music, and planning to play his lyre once he finished so he could remember what good music was.

* * *

Kudos to whoever can find the movie reference hidden in there!


	12. Rule 103

Hi! Okay, sorry I'm late. Good news is, they fixed my laptop, (*Confetti*) so I should be able to update this on Wednesdays again (as long as it doesn't die again). Now that I'm on summer break, I really should be able to do that (*More confetti*).

Enough about that. Everyone knows the deal. Remember to hit the link at the bottom when you're done and tell me what you think, this is the first time attempting something like this!

* * *

**Rule #103:** Do not set up your own "radio station" using sub-space channels. Even if the music is really good.

-"Hey, hey all you out there! This is Radio NTPR, sub-space channel 170.1, your station for the best musical hits from around the Galaxy and across the ages! I'm you host and DJ, Ryan D., and my partner in musical crime, Jess A."

-"Hello out there! What you just heard was the Andorian band Warrior Birds' newest hit, _Sun Walker_, as per special request from Steve G. Hey Steve! Glad to know someone is listening to us out there!"

-"She just kidding, folks, we know we have more than one listener out there. After all, we've been getting messages and calls from you guys all morning for requests! (not that we have morning out here, it's space)."

-"That's right, Ryan. People have also been trying to qualify to win our latest prize, _Cooking through the Stars_ by Chef Umpur Ni'Gil, and this copy is signed by the chef himself!"

-"Who would have guessed Jess here would _literally _run into the chief during our last shore leave, and sign this book (and another) as an apology?"

-"Hey! Don't say that on the air!"

-"Sorry, couldn't help it."

-"I get you back later, Ryan. Remember folks, the chance to win this book of cuisine mastery is coming up soon, so stay tuned!"

-"Hey look, Jess, we have time for one more request, and we have a caller to make such a request!"

-"Wonderful! Hi, you're on the air with Ryan and Jess!"

-"_I would like to make a request_."

-"And what song might that be, sir?"

-"_Oh, it's not a song. It that you radio-heads stop using the ship's sub-space radio like this so the Admirals will stop complaining to me!_"

-"…Captain? You're a listener? Awesome!"

-Silence-

-"Ryan…"

-"Okay, awkward. Never mind, sir. Uh… listen folks, seems like Radio NTPR, sub-space channel 170.1 is going off the air, permanently. Sorry. So it's been nice while it's lasted…"

-"_Wrap it up Dixon…_"

-"Yes Captain. This is Ryan…"

-"… And Jess…"

-"And we're signing out. But we'll leave you with one final song… with your permission, Captain."

-"_Fine. But it better be a good one_."

-"Great! So here it is, folks, our last song together. I give you _How Far We've Come_ by Matchbox Twenty."

-"Seriously, Ryan? That thing is centuries old!"

-"So? I think it's appropriate at this moment in time."

-"_Time's up, you two_."

-"Yes Captain. Again, this is Ryan D. and Jess A., sighing out!"

-"Bye!"

McCoy groaned. "Damn it, Jim. I was so close to winning that cookbook!"

Kirk smiled. "I'm sure they'll give it to you, Bones. Else I'm going to have to give it as an apology gift to Admiral Johnson."

McCoy got up and left the room to track down the two ex-radio DJs and ask about a certain cook book.

* * *

All music mentioned belongs to someone else (this goes for that song in the last chapter), except for _Sun Walker_, that's mine. The Matchbox Twenty song was chosen because it was the first thing to come up on my iPod, and I find it quite fitting right now for more than one reason.


	13. Rule 126

So, bit of a warning for this one. I know that the genre for these is supposed to be humor, but when I was writing this, a certain non-Captain Kirk showed up in my head driving a certain red 1966 Chevy Corvette Stingray convertible from a certain 2009 movie and wouldn't go away. Thus, my humorous self called in her more serious self, and this little Reason was born. I hope you enjoy it. Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #126:** Do not tack up pink fuzzy dice above the view screen on the Bridge.

From an early age, James Kirk had a thing for pre-warp cars.

He loved looking at pictures of them, imagining himself behind the wheel of a Mustang, or a Ferrari, or even the car in the barn behind the house. His father inherited a 1966 red Chevy Corvette Stingray convertible that had been in the family for centuries; and to a young James (then Jimmy) Kirk, it was just about the "most awesomest, coolest, wickedest darn thing in the entire universe".

Next to starships, of course. But the car came in a _very _close second.

Jimmy would spend hours in the driver's seat, racing the greatest car drivers around various race tracks, across planets, and at one point, through space. He would supply the commentary, crashes, taunts, warnings, all the victory speeches (since he always won), and every little sound effect by himself. He was the greatest driver when the keys weren't in the ignition. George Kirk Sr. had tried to teach Jimmy how to drive with the keys in the ignition once he was of age, and succeeded after his son stripped the gears a few times.

When their father wasn't home (which was often), Jimmy and his older brother Sam would take care of the car, and when Sam was older, it was during their father's absences that the car became Sam's. You could always tell when the Corvette had become Sam's car because he would hang a set of fuzzy dice from the rearview mirror. Jimmy Kirk thought they looked tacky. Sam Kirk thought they looked retro. George Kirk Sr. thought they were an abomination and an insult to the car and the history it stood for.

One time, Sam had forgotten to take the dice off the mirror before their father came home. When George Kirk went out to check on his car, he came storming back into the house two minutes later, waving the dice around and demanding to know why they were hanging in his car. Sam quietly raised his hand and said the dice were his. George told his son sternly and loudly _never ever_ to hang fuzzy dice from the rearview mirror of the Corvette ever again. Once Sam had his own car, he could hang them from its rearview mirror. However, the Stingray's was now off limits. Sam apologized, and the Corvette never had fuzzy dice hanging from its mirror again.

Six months later, Sam bought his first car. The first thing he did was to hang the fuzzy dice from the rearview mirror and send a picture to his father. George Kirk Sr. approved, sort of, kind of… okay, not really. Jimmy Kirk promised his father never to hang fuzzy dice in his car.

"I told Sam they were tacky," he explained. George Kirk Sr. agreed with his son. Sam bought Jimmy a pair of dice once he bought his first car. Jimmy ran them over with the Corvette, along with Sam's dice. That was the only time George Kirk Sr. ever bought a pair of fuzzy dice: so that Sam wouldn't throttle his younger brother.

* * *

Had they shown up three months earlier, Captain James Kirk would have laughed, asked who put them there, yelled at them as a joke, and gone on business as usual. However, this was not three months earlier.

Kirk didn't notice them when he first stepped onto the Bridge. "Status, Mr. Sulu," he said out of habit.

"Four hours, twenty-three minutes to arrival, Captain," Sulu replied. Frankly, that wasn't soon enough for the Helmsman, or the rest of the crew. This was their first shore leave in months; everyone was looking forward to it.

"Very good Mr…" Kirk froze in his seat as he noticed them. Two pink fuzzy dice were above the view screen, tacked up due to a lack of a rearview mirror to hang them from.

"Captain?" Sulu said. Everyone was looking at Kirk, not sure what to make of his expression. The Captain had turned pale. Suddenly, Kirk got up out of his chair and walked to the view screen. He jumped up, grabbed the dice, and pulled them down.

"Who put these up there?" he shouted.

The Bridge fell silent. No one responded; the one who put them up there had left earlier.

"If I _ever _see these again," he growled, shaking the dice for emphasis. "Or any others like them up there, I will have you off this Bridge and doing Gamma shifts for a month so fast your ass won't know what hit you."

The Bridge was still silent.

"Do I make myself clear?" Kirk yelled.

A chorus of "Aye sir" came from the crew. Kirk nodded, and his expression changed to one of someone trying to hold something back.

"If you need me, I'll be in my quarters," Kirk said quickly. "Mr. Spock, you have the comm."

"Aye Captain," Spock said. No one noticed the slight rise in his voice at the end of "Captain", which made his statement more of a question. They watched as Kirk practically sprinted into the turbo-lift and off the Bridge.

After a few moments, Chekov broke the silence and asked the question they all were wondering, but weren't sure about. "Vhat vas zat about?"

"I am not sure," Spock said as he took his place in the Command Chair.

Uhura quietly called Dr. McCoy and told him to check on the Captain. When McCoy finally got into Kirk's room, he found the Captain sitting at his desk with tears in his eyes. The young Captain was staring at a picture of his recently deceased brother in front of a red convertible pre-warp car, and holding the pair of pink fuzzy dice from the Bridge in his hands.

McCoy noticed that there was a pair of very similar dice hanging from the rearview mirror of the car in the picture.


	14. Rule 301

No intro today, not really feeling it. Remember to review! Next chapter will be one of your requests!

* * *

**Rule #301:** Should you accidentally make contact with a primitive intelligent species, do not tell them you are a god, it may go badly for the rest of the landing party.

"Damn it! I'm a doctor, not a roast beef!"

"Doctor, that is not helping…"

"Shove it, Spock!"

"Excuse me?"

"That's not helping either, Bones."

"Oh, you want helping? I'll give you helping!"

Kirk cringed at the volume (sound and number) of swears that came out of McCoy's mouth. They, along with Spock, were currently tied up to posts while the natives that had captured them danced and chanted around them, the result of an away mission gone slightly wrong. Two crewmen were dead, and they were tied up with no way to contact the _Enterprise_. Spock took advantage of the fact it was mostly dark and rolled his eyes.

"Dr. McCoy, your swearing is not going to help us in any way," he said.

"Now you listen here," McCoy yelled, and started right back up again with his insults. "You green-blooded, pointy eared, hobgoblin son of a…"

"Bones!" Kirk barked. "Shut, up!"

The chanting of the natives stopped. One of the natives stood on the podium, the rest dropped to the ground.

"I give you, our _Kiij'jia_, Gilfri!" he cried. The natives started chanting as the "_Kiij'jia_ Gilfri", better known as Ensign Oliver Gilfrey, stepped out. He smiled awkwardly and waved to the natives, until he saw his Captain, First Officer, and Chief Medical Officer tied to posts twenty feet away.

"Captain, I…" Gilfrey started to apologize.

"Stow it, Gilfrey," Kirk snapped, choosing a kinder choice of words than McCoy would have.

Gilfrey cringed. The lead native glared at Kirk.

"You insult our _Kiij'jia_!" he said. "How dare you! Prepare him!"

"Crap," Kirk muttered as five natives surrounded him.

"Stop!" Gilfrey cried. "Leave him alone!"

"He insult you!" the native said. "He must pay. He shall be first."

"Hey you idiots! Leave him alone… Whoa!" The natives grabbed the end of McCoy's pole and spun him around. "Stop it! I swear I'm gonna kill you! Stop it now! Ulp…" The doctor started turning green.

One of the natives turned around to start spinning Spock, but the Vulcan gave him a strong, cold glare. The native squirmed uncomfortably, thought better of it, and left Spock alone.

"Hey!" Kirk cried as he was hoisted into the air. "Put me down… oh-no!"

"You insult our _Kiij'jia_!" the natives chanted. "For that, you pay."

"Shall your spirit be cleansed by the sacred flames," the lead native said.

Kirk now understood why McCoy was using such colorful language. However, if he was going to die, he would go with as much dignity as he could manage, which meant he was not going to have his last words be something he might regret in the next life. Not that being sacrificed by primitive natives to an _Ensign _that they had mistaken for a god was in any way dignifying. Kirk closed his eyes, waiting to be tossed into the flames. Suddenly, the natives started screaming, and a strangely familiar sensation filled his body…

"Good Lord, are ye al'right?"

Kirk opened his eyes. He was still tied to his pole, as were McCoy and Spock to theirs. Gilfrey was still in that ridiculous native costume. However, they were no longer on the planet about to be sacrificed to an Ensign. They were on the _Enterprise_ transporter pad.

"Scotty, that will be one of the few times I am glad you broke the Prime Directive," Kirk said. "And once again, your timing is uncanny."

"Uh… y'er welcome?" Scotty said.

"Now would you mind untying us?" Kirk asked. He looked at Gilfrey. "Two things, Mr. Gilrey. One, what happened down there never gets out."

"Yes sir," Gilfrey said.

"And two, _never_, _**ever**_, do that again."

"Yes sir."

McCoy grinned. "All hail _Kiij'jia _Gilfri."

"Dr. McCoy," Spock said. "That was completely unnecessary."

McCoy was the last to be untied.


	15. Rule 297

This one is for _Tarya Ni awtu_. So it's a little out of season, whatever.

On a side note, the Reasons will now come out every other Wednesday, or at least until I start writing them faster than I'm posting them! Remember to Review!

* * *

**Rule #297:** Who ordered the Orion Slave Girl as a Valentine for the Captain?

"WHAT THE HECK?"

Spock paused and turned around in time to see Kirk come flying out of his quarters. The Vulcan raised the customary eyebrow.

"Captain, are you all right?"

"No!" Kirk cried. "I don't know if it's some kind of joke, or if someone is serious, or what!"

"What is it?" Spock asked.

"There is someone in my room!" Kirk said. "On my _bed_! And she is not part of the crew, and I have no idea how she got on my ship!"

"She, Captain?" It was not normal for the Captain to complain about a female in his quarters.

"Spock, I'm serious!"

"Have you called Security?"

"What do you think?"

"Do I have the wrong cabin then?"

They turned around. Spock's eyebrow went up. A young, green skinned girl with only a bed sheet wrapped around her was leaning out of Kirk's door. Spock looked at Kirk with what could only be described as a look of puzzled shock in Vulcan terms. In human terms, Spock did not look amused.

"Spock, before you say anything, this is not what you think it is," Kirk said.

"I would hope not," Spock replied.

Kirk opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, four Security personnel appeared from around the corner.

"Captain, you called about an… hello," the first one said.

The Orion smiled and waved at the new comers. "Hi there," she said softly.

"I, uh, take it she is the intruder?" the second said.

"Yes," Kirk replied quickly.

"Intruder!" the Orion exclaimed. "I am no intruder! I was told to come here by…"

"It was not my idea!" Kirk cut her off. "I swear to _God _it was not my idea. I just want her out of my cabin and off my ship before all of this causes any more of a scene."

"What's going on over here?"

Kirk looked about ready to go beam down to the planet they were orbiting and crawl under the first rock he saw as Dr. McCoy, Sulu, and Chekov walked over.

"Jim…" McCoy said.

"I'll explain later!" Kirk said, pulling the pleased looking Orion girl out of his doorway and shoving her towards the nearest Security man.

"Oh, hello," she cooed.

"Uh… hi?" he answered.

"I want her off my ship," Kirk said. "NOW!"

"Yes sir!" the Security team cried, and rushed the Orion off. Kirk had a feeling she wouldn't be leaving the _Enterprise_ for some time, but at least they were headed in the direction of the transporter room.

"Hikaru!" Chekov whined. "Vould you stop covering my eyes!"

"Yeah, Pav," Sulu said, and took his hand away from covering Chekov's eyes. The Russian glared at him.

"I am tventy-two!" he snapped, and walked away.

"Now you want to explain that, Jim?" McCoy asked.

"I think she was a Valentine's Day present," Kirk said. Before any more questions could be asked, Kirk disappeared into his quarters, locking the door behind him. Ten seconds later, he came out again, and ran down the corridor.

"What the heck was that about?" McCoy asked.

Spock stepped forward, and used his access code to unlock the door. Once the door opened, he said the most un-Vulcan thing possible at that time. "Um…"

The other's looked in. Sulu covered Chekov's eyes again. McCoy shook his head. "Never let an Orion redecorate your room."


	16. Rule 198

I meant to post this yesterday, I really did, but I didn't have time. This is to make up for the fact that I didn't have any fireworks in my last set of Rules.

So read, enjoy, and review!

* * *

**Rule #198:** No more fireworks displays in the shuttle hangar bay.

Kirk crossed his arms and smiled. '_How they managed this without me knowing, I'll never understand._' He shook his head. '_How they do a lot of things without me knowing I'll never understand!_'

Enthusiastic cries came from the crew up and down the hall. To his right, Chekov's face was plastered to the viewing window; which pretty much summed up the entire spectacle. '_Everyone enjoys a good fireworks show,_' Kirk thought. '_Even for a holiday you don't really celebrate._'

He laughed with the crowd as a firework _Enterprise_ went off, followed by an exploding Klingon warship. That was another thing he probably wouldn't know how they pulled off. Not that he cared at the moment. He would wait until tomorrow or even the next day to…

"GET DOWN!"

Kirk hit the deck along with everyone else as a purple firework exploded alarmingly close to the windows. Kirk looked up, glad to see that none of the windows had broken, but alarmed at the fact that most of the fireworks were now going off out of control.

So much for waiting a day or two to chew the people involved out for this.

* * *

Kirk paced up and down the line of crew members. He hated lines like this (bad memories, very bad memories). He hated subjecting his crew to them, but they were the only thing that helped get the point across the first time. In fact, it took the crew six months before attempting another bar fight with a bunch of Klingons.

"Now," Kirk began. "I will say that the display was quite impressive, one of the best I've seen in a long time."

He ignored the small hi-five between two ensigns five crewmen down, and the sly grins up and down the line. "However!" Kirk continued. "The last two minutes was _not _the best that I've seen. In not for some fast acting on the operator's part, it has been estimated that the Hangar Bay doors would no longer be on their hinges, and the damage to the hangar bay would be more than just scorch marks on the walls. We're all very lucky that no one was seriously injured, though several people fainted from the shock of a firework shell hurtling towards them."

There were flinches up and down the line. Kirk knew that McCoy was smirking outside the door. One crewman stepped forward.

"Sir, there was a miscalculation on my part," Lt. Olson said. "It was my fault."

Kirk turned and faced Olson. "Considering your record of explosives and doors, Mr. Olson, I am not surprised. However I am not finished yet and it was not entirely your fault."

Olson shrank back and again mumbled an apology. Once Kirk was farther down the line, he gave a sigh of relief.

"As I was saying," Kirk said. "You have all seen the damage, and you will all take care of it. Mr. Spock is already working on a schedule for the repairs around your normal work schedules." A hard glare stopped any moans. "It has been estimated that the repairs will take a week, which is not that bad. Thanks to you lot, I have to deal with about a month's worth of extra paperwork."

At that instant, the same thought flashed through the mind of every crew member in that line: "Oh –bleep-, we are _screwed_!"

Kirk stopped. "Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," the crew members said.

"Good," Kirk said. "And before I dismiss you, I want to tell you all something."

They all tensed up. "Yes, Captain?"

Kirk gave a small smile. "Next year, I will try and make sure we are orbiting a planet on the Fourth of July. Now you are dismissed."

Kirk watched as the crew filed out, and Dr. McCoy walked in.

"Bones, how is it I managed to get a crew full of pyros?" Kirk asked.

McCoy shrugged. "I don't know. If you ask me, everyone loves a good explosion."

Kirk just shook his head.


	17. Rule 96

This one is subtitled '_Who says they don't have sharpies in the 23th century (or markers in general)?_' Admit it, you've either done this to someone before or thought about it. Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #96:** Falling asleep while on duty is bad.

It's never a good thing when, instead of rushing you over to the nearest bio-bed, Dr. McCoy just stands there with his mouth hanging open. Which is exactly what he did when Lt. George Weston came into Sickbay.

"Good Lord," McCoy spluttered. "What happened?"

"I don't know!" Weston replied. "I fell asleep by accident. And when I wake up, I get sent to Sickbay for a stimulant before everyone starts laughing. Not to mention 99.9% of the people I walked past getting here did double takes!"

"I can see why." McCoy's eyes sparkled with silent laughter.

"Well I can't!"

McCoy sighed. "C'mon over here and clean up while I get you a coffee."

"Clean up?" Weston asked. "Why?"

"See for your self," McCoy replied, pointing to a mirror.

Weston looked at his reflection. "Oh my God, I am going to _kill _them!"

The Lieutenant's face was covered in marker. Red star points came off his left eye, his right eye looked like something out of an Egyptian wall painting. He had a thin mustache with curled up ends and a goatee. His nose and cheeks were covered in small purple, green, and blue poke dots, including a set that had lines drawn between them so it looked like he had the big dipper on his cheek. His forehead was decorated with a simple drawing of the _Enterprise_.

"How long was I out?" Weston wondered aloud.

"I'd say about half an hour," McCoy answered. "That's normally how long it takes to draw something as simple as that."

Weston's mouth dropped open. "As _simple_ as this?"

McCoy shrugged. "You're lucky you're not in Engineering. A kid came up here last week with blueprints for a warp generator coil!"


	18. Rule 240

Since it's been so dang hot the last week or so, or more, and it's going to stay that way for some of us, here's one to cool you off. Okay, so maybe a cold lemonade or iced tea would be better, but this is a mental cool down. Enjoy! Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #240:** No more ice rinks in the hallways (how'd you manage that anyways?).

The first step should have given it away; after all, his foot had slipped a little. But no, he had to take that second step. All of the balance and grace he was known for was suddenly tossed out the airlock as he went careening down the hallway out of control. As he struggled for balance, he was glad no one was around to hear his cry of surprise. Or from his sudden and uncomfortable crashing stop into the wall.

Shakily getting back onto his feet, he took a careful step, and then another, and another…

And wound up on his rear end once more.

Spock shook his head as he came to two conclusions:

One, it was going to be a long walk to his quarters. And two, he had just reaffirmed something most Vulcans already knew:

Vulcans and ice do not mix well.

* * *

Fun fact: this is my shortest piece ever.


	19. Rule 199

A bit late today, but this one pretty much sums up my day… just with more mess. You ever have just one of those days? Enjoy, and remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #199:** Silly-string is hereby banned from Engineering. Anyone with a can will be kicked out of Engineering and have said can of silly-string shoved up their (content edited) (content edited) (content edited)!

For some reason, Lt. Cmdr. Scott was in a _really_ good mood this morning, which was strange considering he was never in a good mood in the morning until his second cup of (special) coffee. He woke up with a good song in his head, and the replicator made his coffee just right. After looking over his messages and marking new technical journals to read over lunch, he got dressed and ready for the rest of the day.

He headed down to the Rec. Room for breakfast, catching McCoy and Sulu and joining them for coffee and an egg-cheese-and-sausage sandwich. Scotty spotted one of his technicians. Scotty waved at the young man, who turned pale and practically tripped over three people in his rush to get out of the room, leaving his plate of eggs half eaten. Scotty shook his head. The kid probably just forgot to do something.

But the look of panic on the kid's face nagged Scotty, until one crewman tripped and spilled the remains of his breakfast down the back of Chekov's shirt.

The Russian was not pleased. Everyone else was.

With breakfast finished and Sulu and McCoy headed off for the Bridge and Sickbay respectively, Scotty headed down to Engineering.

He stepped out of the turbo-lift whistling the chorus of 'Scotland the Brave'. The corridor to Main Engineering was empty, but that wasn't much of a surprise, everyone was probably working already. He finished his song just as he reached the doors

Scotty strolled into Engineering. "Hello ev'rybo… WHAT IN TH' NAME OF ROBERT TH' BRUCE AN' WILLIAM WALLACE IS GOING ON IN 'ERE?"

The Engineers turned to look at the enraged Scot(ty). Scotty stared at his beloved Engineering in sheer horror. Strings of bright colored foam covered the room: panels, pipes, the floor, some was even on the engines. The techs had been removing as much as they could, but there was still a lot left. They watched in terror as their CO turned as red as his shirt. They wanted to run and hide, but he blocked the exit.

"Frag!" one of them squeaked.

* * *

Kirk turned as the young Engineer burst onto the Bridge completely breathless.

"Easy there, Ensign." Kirk smiled. "What seems to be the problem…?"

"Captain, I have a strange request," the Engineer panted.

"What is it?" Kirk asked.

"I request asylum."

Everyone turned to the newcomer. "No, I'm serious!" he cried. "It was a joke, part of Rogers' birthday party last night! Heck, I don't even know where they got the things! We meant to clean it up, but it was late, and we were tired and he came in early…"

"Slow down," Kirk said. "Start from the beginning. What are you seeking asylum from?"

"Mr. Scott and Engineering!" the Engineer cried. "We had a Department party there last night, and to celebrate someone brought silly-string and it got _everywhere_. Mr. Scott is drafting every one of us Engineers, even those not on duty, and anyone who walks into Engineering to clean the mess up. It's a dictatorship down there! Please, Captain, can I stay up here? Please?"

The comm. on Kirk's armrest whistled, and the Engineer paled as Kirk pressed it. "Kirk here."

"Captain, 'ave ye seen an Ensign Termote?"

Kirk flinched slightly at the volume and harshness of Scotty's voice. He looked at the Engineer. Termote looked scared.

"Please?" Termote whispered. He looked about ready to get down on his knees and beg.

"Ensign Termote is up here," Kirk said, causing the Engineer to give him a 'you-son-of-a-bitch-you-betrayed-me!' look of horror. He then realized he was giving this look to his Captain, and quickly looked down.

"Cin ye send 'im back down, Capt'n?" Scotty growled. "He's needed in Engineering."

"I can send him down once he is finished fixing the, uh, Navigation console," Kirk replied. Chekov turned around in surprise, and Termote let out a sigh of relief. "Chekov spilled coffee the other day, and now some of the controls are acting up.

"Did n… ow!" Chekov glared at Sulu, who had kicked him to shut him up.

"Fine," Scotty snapped. "But I want 'im down here as soon as he's done."

"Scotty?"

"Aye sir?"

"Who's the Captain around here?"

There was a pause. "Ye'ar, sir," Scotty sighed. "Sorry, sir."

"Good, Kirk out." Kirk pressed the comm. button, and looked at Termote. "Asylum granted, Mr. Termote. Now I suggest you get to work on the Navigation console."

Termote nodded happily. "Yes sir!"


	20. Rule 26a

Okay, there is a perfectly good reason why I haven't posted new Reasons the last two weeks. Okay, two reasons: one, I plum forgot the first time, and two I didn't have internet access last week. So there you go.

On to the Reason intro. This is the first of a small series, an experiment if you will I suppose. I hope this goes well, and I seem to recall someone requesting one or all of these. Did someone request these? I can't remember. Whatever, here we go.

Remember to review!

Later: Added a piece at the end, which came to me _after _I posted the original. Just in case you already read it and got confused. If not, read on.

* * *

**Rule #26a:** The Jefferies tubes are not to be used for mega games of hide-and-seek.

Scotty slowly dragged himself along, cursing whoever thought it was a good idea to make the Jefferies tubes so dang small. He also cursed that large, but delicious, sandwich he had eaten for lunch. And the chocolate cake for dessert. Mostly the chocolate cake though.

"Bu' if the Doc asks," he muttered. "I'm not goin' on a diet!" He paused for a second. "I coulda sworn I heard something," he added quietly.

And there it was again, the distinct sound of someone shushing another. Scotty smiled, and lay down in a comfortable position to catch whoever it was. After a few moments, he heard it again.

"Do you think he moved on?" someone whispered.

"I'm telling you, that wasn't Tasca we heard!" another quietly replied.

Scotty stealthily crawled forward towards the voices, which were coming from a small access tunnel. "Yer right," he said, looking in. "I'm not Tasca."

The two crew girls squealed in surprise. They were both Science personnel. "Mr. Scott!" one squeaked. "What the heck?"

"What th' heck indeed!" Scotty said. "What are ye two doin' 'ere? Yer not supposed to be here."

"All the other good spots are taken!" the other whispered.

"Other good spots?" Scotty asked. They nodded, and looked down the tunnel as another voice traveled down it.

"I'm goooona fiiiiiiind yoooou!" it said.

"Crap!" the first squeaked. "Mr. Scott, get in here!"

"Wha-!" Scotty had no time to react as they reached out and pulled him into the access tunnel with them, and closed the door. They ducked behind him, and Scotty realized what was going on.

"Ye two get down," he said. "Maybe tha' chocolate cake for dessert wasn't a bad thing after all."

The two ducked down behind Scotty as the door to the access tunnel opened. "I found you! Man, you suck at hide-and-seek… Oh, Mr. Scott!"

Scotty looked behind him, arching his back to see under his chocolate cake and sandwich filled stomach, careful not to reveal the girls. "Why Mr. Tasca! What are ye doin' 'ere?"

"I, uh, I'm looking for someone," Tasca replied. "Have you seen anybody else around these parts?"

"Can't say I 'ave," Scotty replied. "Though I heard a few voices comin' from that tube down tha' way." He pointed in the direction he had "heard" the voices.

"Thanks!" Tasca said, and quickly crawled away.

"Is he gone?" one of the Science girls asked.

"Aye, he's gone," Scotty said. "Now good luck to th' both o' ye, I might not do tha' again."

"No worries!" the other said. "And thank you!"

Scotty smiled. "Let me know when you win!"

* * *

"Oh my God. I found him!"

Scotty looked down at Lt. Shefield, who was wedged into a very small access tube. Shefield blinked, startled from his dream by the sudden yell. "Wha-?"

"Are ye al'right, Alan?" Scotty asked.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Shefield asked. "Wait, you're not IT, I thought Ken Tasca was IT. Does that mean I won?"

"Oh jeeze," Scotty sighed. "Alan, yer still _playin'_?"

"Uh, yeah, did I win?" Shefield replied.

"Oh, ye won al'right," Scotty said, grinning. "The game ended four hours ago. Everyone thought Urick and Vansant were th' last t'be found. With my help, o'course."

"Four hours?" Shefield cried. "I'm late for my shift!"

"Tha's not th' half of it, Alan," Scotty said. He started crawling down the tube, but stopped when he realized Shefield wasn't following. "Shefield?"

"Yeah?"

"Are ye comin'?"

There was a pause. "Mr. Scott?"

"Aye?"

"...I'm stuck."


	21. Rule 26b

Okay, I _swear_ I did not forget to post this yesterday, I was busy and ran out of time, and the original version just begged to be rewritten in some parts. So here is Part B. Parts C and D are coming up, and then we'll get back to other Rules and Reasons. Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #26b:** Or manhunt.

It was dark. With the ship's lights dimmed to their "nighttime" levels, most of the _Enterprise _crew (except for those on Gamma shift, getting midnight snacks, or otherwise) was fast asleep. The dark and quiet conditions meant it was almost black in the Jefferies tubes except for the safety lights, making it perfect for manhunt. And so, they hid throughout the designated area (Deck 5 and 6, sections C, D, and E), waiting with baited breath for signs of those who were "IT", ready to run.

"Ah-ha!"

She spun around, and squealed in surprise as one of the "IT" people climbed towards her out of the murky darkness. She scrambled out of her hiding spot and down the tunnel with the IT close behind. The Base wasn't far off. If she could get there, she would be safe.

That's when her hand slipped. With a cry of surprise, she slid down the access tube. The IT person dove forward to try and catch her, but he missed. She squeezed her eyes shut, readying herself for the hard landing and…

"Umph!"

She hit the ground, but her fall was broken by someone. The two fell to the ground in a tangle of legs. The IT person peered out to see if she was okay. When he saw who she crashed into; he bolted back up the access tube and out of sight.

"Oh jeez I'm sorry!" she cried as she tried to pull herself free. "I'm sorry, really sorry, are you all right… oh."

"Lieutenant," Spock said. "What is the meaning of this?"

She was at a loss for words, and could only stare up at the Vulcan standing above her. A strangled squeak came out of her mouth.

He raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

"Manhunt!" she spluttered.

"A manhunt?" Spock asked. "Have you informed Security? I haven't heard any alerts. Though you are not in Security…"

She wasn't, she was in Tactical, though right now she was dressed for off-duty (dressed according to the Rules and Regulations of _Enterprise_ night-games, that is). "Uh… me. No, I mean, they're looking for me, and others. We uh… it's a game sir!"

"I see…" Spock said, even though he didn't.

"I, uh, I got to go!" She darted into a Jeffereies Tube on the other side of the corridor, and disappeared.

Spock raised an eyebrow, and walked over to the closest comm.-panel. "Spock to Security."

"Security, Lt. Garrison here." Spock could hear a stifled yawn.

"Lieutenant, is there a manhunt currently going on…?"


	22. Rule 26c

Okay, yes, this time I _completely _forgot to post tis yesterday (I remembered around 11:30 PM that I had forgot). At this rate, I'm thinking about moving the update days to Thursday.

So here is Part C, my personal favorite of the Rule #26 series. Enjoy, remember to Review at the end.

Thank you for all of your Reviews you have given me, I love the feedback.

* * *

**Rule #26c** Or kick-the-can.

Lt. Regan peered out from his hiding place. There was the jail, twenty-five feet away, and his teammates inside! He was one of the few people left on his team who wasn't captured. After all, Security was undefeated when it came to kick-the-can. Now he could see why. Security didn't mess around when defending their Title.

He leaned back and took a deep breath. It was thirty feet to the Can, there were two guards. Ensign Yin was to provide the distraction for Regan to race in, kick the Can, free everybody, and get out. If they failed, the Science team would lose the game. Again. For the fourth straight time.

But it was a risk you had to take when you were one of the last three free people on your team, and one refused to come out of his hiding spot.

"Come on, Jake, c'mon," Regan whispered. He smiled as one of the guards shouted. Yin had made his move, now it was Regan's turn. He slid out of the Jefferies tube, took note that the two guards were occupied with the young Asian, who was dancing around avoiding capture.

"Na-na-na-na! You can't… holy crap!" Yin paused in his taunting as a Security player lunged for him. Yin spun out of the way, and the Security officer crashed headfirst into the wall.

"Hey!" one of the Science prisoners cried. Regan frowned, and sprinted towards the Can. It was an old-style aluminum can with Coca Cola on the side; it had taken forever (and some yelling) for a Computer-Science Lieutenant to program the replicators to produce one. One of the guards noticed him, and moved into intercept. Regan ran faster. Ten feet… five feet… two...

"Olie olie oxin free!" he yelled, and kicked the Can. His teammates cheered as they scattered. Suddenly, the doors at the other end of the room opened. Regan froze as he realized he had kicked the Can too hard. A few others paused as well to watch the metal fly through the air and…

And hit Dr. McCoy square in the forehead.

No one moved for a few seconds. McCoy was stunned that he had just been hit in the head with an aluminum Coca Cola can; everyone else was stunned that the Can hit him in the forehead.

Finally, someone had enough sense to yell "RUN!" and they all scattered.

McCoy watched as the young crew members fled into various Jefferies tubes and down the corridors. He shrugged and waved his fist in the air, deciding there was nothing else he could really do. "Damn kids!" he added.


	23. Rule 26d

The final chapter in the Rule #26 series, and I remembered to do it on Wednesday! Yay! Next week we will get back to non-26 Reasons. I would like some imput from you guys: what did you think of the idea of doing Rules with sub-rules (a, b, c, etc.)? This was a kind of trial run, I'm just wondering if I should do it again sometime.

So here we go. Remember to Review, request if you so desire, or just read and enjoy. Thanks!

* * *

**Rule #26d:** Or laser (phaser) tag.

It was one of the most clichéd things to yell. But he did anyways. There was nothing else he could yell that would suffice, other than "AARRGHH!" followed by several swears in Standard, French, German, Klingon, Orion, and the ever uber-rare Vulcan swear.

While he would be yelling these words, he wouldn't have been able to hear the "I'm wery sorry!" being said in Standard peppered with Russian, with varying amounts of "wary" in each sentence, insisting it was an accident. He believed that, it was dark in the tubes at this time of night.

So he settle for the more clichéd thing to scream in a moment such as this one, after a friend of yours who happens to be on the opposing team fires a phaser with its power dialed down so low it is nothing more than a super powered flashlight and hits you in the eyes. He also decided it was a good idea to roll around on the floor, in part for added emphasis.

"MY EYES!"


	24. The other Rule 26d

"But Saphura," you are saying. "You posted this Reason last week."

"Yes, yes I did," I am saying.

"So why are you posting it again?" You ask.

Because, to put it simply, I screwed up. A little. Apparently the Rule #26d on my laptop is not the same as the #26d in the Rules. I wish to thank _BlueBassist _for pointing this out, and I remember someone else wanting paintball... on a beach... or is that just my imagination?

So this week you all get lucky and get two Reasons! Sometimes mistakes are good things. I hope you enjoy this!

* * *

**Rule #26d: **Or paintball.

Sulu was pinned down, 5:1. Backup was on its way, but at this rate, they wouldn't be here in time. He was running out of ammo, fast.

"Give it up, Yellow!" someone yelled. "You don't stand a chance! We'll paint you red!"

"Forget it!" he yelled back. "Though I'd recommend you lot leave before my friends get here!"

"Fat chance!" someone else replied. "We'll have you captured before you can say 'Navigation'."

He scowled, and let off a few rounds. "I'm a Helmsman!"

"Navigation."

No one saw him coming. He let off several rounds while flying through the air. Two Red Team members went down without the knowledge of what hit them. The other three opened fire on the new comer. He rushed forward, staying low and making himself a smaller target. He grunted as a paintball caught his right shoulder. He promptly took out the shooter.

"Retreat!" one of the remaining Reds yelled. They grabbed two of their buddies, while the third dragged himself down the tunnel.

"Damn it, you guys, wait for me!" he yelled.

"Are you all right, Sulu?"

Sulu came out of his position. "Yeah, I'm all right. They hit me in the leg and back, but I'll be fine. Thanks for the save… sir?"

The new comer took his helmet off and shook his head. "You do realize you are late for your shift, right Mr. Sulu?" Kirk said.

"I am?" Sulu replied.

"For that little incident last week?" Kirk answered.

Sulu's eyes went wide. "Oh crap, I am sorry sir!"

"Get yourself cleaned up, and report to the Bridge in ten minutes," Kirk said. "And Sulu?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Next time that happens, call for help sooner, okay?"


	25. Rule 404

This isn't the original version of this story, but I like this version much better. This was requested by _startrekgilr.m_, though I hope you all enjoy it. Had to get it in before the summer up here ends. Okay, so my summer ended like three weeks ago, Summer itself officially hasn't. Whose idea was it to start school in August anyways? I hate them for it.

Enough with that! Remember to review, again I apologize for the mix up, but who's complaining at this point?

* * *

**Rule #404:** No water balloons around Mr. Spock.

Spock could never understand the need to find a "perfect" planet for shore leave, when any planet suitable to sustain life would do the trick. No, the crew of the _Enterprise_ had an entire check list that a planet had to pass before being deemed "awesome" for shore leave (though most of this checklist could be summed up in "Bars, food, locals, parties, and hangouts"). The two at the top of the "awesome shore leave planets" list were the Shore Leave planet (as long as no one thought anything _too _destructive up) and Risa.

However this time around, they were not orbiting either planet. Instead, they were orbiting Hopan, after gaining permission to stay a few more days from the Hopanian government since the trade negotiations were finished, much to the crew's delight.

Spock had half a mind to help Dr. McCoy stock up on the supplies he always needed when the _Enterprise_ crew went on shore leave.

Two days into the shore leave time, Kirk decided it was time that Spock got off the ship. Spock of course pointed out that he was perfectly capable of "rest and relaxation" onboard the _Enterprise_, but Kirk would have none of it. After protesting for all of five-point-two-three minutes, Spock gave in, and followed Kirk to the transporter room.

Thus why he was now walking along a well-marked trail down on Hopan, making careful mental note of the local flora and fauna. Maybe humans were on to something with shore leaves, a change of scenery was quite refreshing.

"Spock!"

Spock looked up. Several _Enterprise _crew members, including Kirk, McCoy, and Sulu were enjoying themselves by the small lake. Kirk waved at his first officer. Spock just nodded, and continued along the path next to the lake.

What happened next seemed to occur in slow motion.

"Wait! NO…!"

The warning came from directly above him, and five degrees to his right, but it came too late. For all his Vulcan speed, it was his Human curiosity that kept his feet firmly planted to the ground where he stood as the large red rubber balloon filled with clear liquid came hurtling towards him. By time his Vulcan side regained control of his body, it was really too late.

_SPLOOSH!_

"Oh frak!"

Spock looked up again, and blinked the water from his eyes. Well hidden in the branches of the tree above him were three young crewmen and a basketful of water balloons.

One turned to the other on his right and started yelling. The third started banging his head on the tree branch.

Kirk ran up to his First Officer. "Spock, are you all right?"

Spock noticed a twinkle of laughter in Kirk's eyes, and behind him, next to the lake, Dr. McCoy was rolling on the ground laughing. "I am wet, Captain," Spock replied, matter-of-fact.

"I can see that," Kirk said. Spock looked like a very unhappy cat after a bath. Water dripped off of his pointed ears and his hair was now plastered even more to his head. "We have some towels over there you can dry off with…"

"I will borrow one towel," Spock said. "And then beam back up to the ship, Captain."

"Okay, Spock, you do that," Kirk said. "C'mon."

Spock stomped, if it was possible for a Vulcan to stomp, over towards the towels, ignoring Dr. McCoy who was still howling with laughter. Several others had the courtesy to look away before laughing. Kirk turned to the tree. "You three!" He pointed at them.

"Yes, Captain?" the one on the left said. The one on the right reached for the basket to dump it out.

"Young man, do not _touch _that thing," Kirk said, and the crewman froze. There was a pause as Kirk let the three squirm a bit. He glanced over in Spock's direction; the Vulcan was calling the _Enterprise_ for a beam up. Behind his back, Dr. McCoy was sneaking a few photos with his PADD, proof of the incident for future story telling, no doubt. Kirk looked back at the three. He grinned, and gave a thumbs up. "Good aim, gentlemen, but next time: choose your targets more wisely."


	26. Rule 484

Right, this chapter is rated T for teens due to suggestive content. Seriously, I did my very best to make this as non-suggestive as possible, but I had to leave some of it in. The rest is up to your imaginations, so… yeah. Fair warning. Reader discretion is advised, but not mandatory.

* * *

**Rule #484:** Stop photoshoping the Senior Officers' heads onto sexy bodies.

"Oh, Good Lord."

Spock raised his eyebrow, surprised by just how logical of a response to the situation that three-word-phrase was. Scotty shook his head as the next picture came up.

"I am not tha' muscular…" He paused and looked at his arm. "Then again…"

McCoy scowled. "Scotty, you are the _only one _who could find something good about this."

Scotty shrugged. He decided he needed to work out a bit more, and cut back on the chocolate cake.

"I don't know, Bones." Kirk flipped to the next picture. "I kind of like this one."

That did it for the doctor. "JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!"

Scotty's moth dropped open; Spock's eyebrow shot upwards again. Kirk snorted a laugh. "You know, you are the first person to call me that in twenty years," he said. "Actually, you're the first person other than my parents…"

McCoy turned another shade of red. "I don't care! Damn it, Jim, you're lucky Chekov found these before they got out."

"How is Chekov anyways?" Scotty asked.

McCoy shuddered at the thought of the young, now mentally scarred Russian lying on the couch in his office in Sickbay. Chekov had refused to go anywhere else, and so McCoy had just let him stay there, instructed Nurse Chapel to check on him every half an hour or so, and went to find Kirk before any more crewmen were scarred for life, and before the pictures left the confines of the _Enterprise_ Computer.

Of course, he went to find Kirk after saving a picture someone had created of Spock with a gigantic grin on his face to his personal computer. McCoy had a feeling that it would be one of the first to go. It was.

"Still getting over seeing that one of Uhura…" McCoy replied.

"That picture was not very flattering of Ms. Uhura." Spock said.

McCoy snapped around to face him. "Oh? And how would _you_ know?"

A silent stare down commenced between the doctor and the Vulcan. It lasted about a minute, when Scotty broke the silence.

"I thou't she looked nice…" he said quietly.

McCoy turned to the Engineer. "Damn it, Scott!"

Kirk clicked to the next one, flinched, and moved to the next. It wasn't much better. "C'mon, Bones, granted most of these are… suggestive." He quickly flashed past several pictures, and paused on one. "But you have to admit, this one does make me look _good_."

Scotty nodded. For once, the picture was… decent. If that was even possible.

"Maybe," McCoy growled. "But you aren't the one who's head is POSTED ONTO A –BLEEP—IN' ANDORIAN IN A…!"

Kirk cringed and held up his hand. He had seen the picture in question. "Oh, jeez Bones, I'm sorry."

McCoy shrugged. "Meh, whatever," he said, and then grinned evilly. "They have one with Spock on an Ori…"

"Doctor _please_!" Spock cried.


	27. Rule 249

So today is a good day, and a bad day for me. Either way, I'm giving you a new Reason, before I go to finish my homework...

The results of the poll will be revealed soon, so for those of you who haven't voted, go check it out. It's pretty close!

Remember to review. If you would like a Rule to become a Reason, feel free to request it. And if you have made a request and it hasn't been done yet, remind me. It is probably in the works somewhere.

Now for the story!

* * *

**Rule #249:** Do not use the main view screen to play Guitar Hero (or any other video games for that matter). Even on Gamma shift.

Lt. Frank Mattson _hated _it when he got Gamma shift. It wasn't a secret why it was used as a threat or punishment; it was the graveyard shift on the _Enterprise_, or why some people offered credit rewards for those who were willing to take over the shifts for them. 95% of the ship was asleep, and instead of the normal length of the "day" shifts, this one was longer, or it seemed to be. Nothing ever happened.

The Bridge was dead; the only noise came from the consoles. He sighed, and leaned back, glad that there wasn't a Navigator on duty with him because they would have been stuck with his feet in their lap right now, minus his shoes. Behind him, the guy manning Communications yawned, and the girl from Engineering chatted with a friend over a private comm.-link. Yep, another boring night on the Bridge.

All three jumped as the comm.-link beeped on his console. Once he recovered, he turned the link on. "Yes?"

"Yo Frank, you guys awake up there?"

He looked around. "Uh, yeah."

"Any of the COs up there?"

"Uh, no."

"Good, we'll be up in two."

"Kory…!"

The link went dead before he could ask his friend what he meant by that. But whatever it was, it probably would get them in trouble one way or another.

"Mattson, what are your crazy friends up to now?" the Communications guy asked.

"I have no idea Schilling," Mattson replied. "But I have a feeling we'll find out in about a minute and a half."

"Oh, this should be good," the girl said. "Jess, I'll talk to you later."

A minute and a half later, four guys and a girl walked onto the Bridge. They each held something. Mattson shook his head as Kory grinned.

"Help us hook these up, would ya?" he said.

"Hook them up where?" Schilling asked.

"Your butt," Kory replied sarcastically. "No, the _view screen_, stupid!"

The girl from Engineering stood up, rubbing her hands together and grinning evilly almost. "Oh, I can do that," she said. "Just as long as I get first dibs on the Mario game…"

"Done!" Kory and Mattson said together. The apparatus was all set up a few minutes later.

Five minutes later, there was a considerably larger number of people on the Bridge. They all stood along the sides, cheering on the two players in the middle. On the view screen, music notes flew past and lit up.

"Go! Go! Go!"

"Rock on!"

"Get the record! Get the record!"

"I love this song!"

"You're going down, Kory!"

"No way Frank!"

"DRUM SOLO BE-OCHES!"

No one noticed the turbo-lift doors open. No one noticed the new comer take a place in the corner. He smiled as the scores on the screen went up and up. Finally, the song ended.

"New record!" the Computer said.

The people around the Bridge cheered and swarmed into the center. They congratulated the players, slapping them on the back and ruffling hair.

"Nice job."

He didn't have to speak loudly for his voice to be heard. The Bridge fell silent and the gamers parted as he stepped forward. The drummer dropped her drum sticks. Mattson turned pale; he was about to get in a ton of trouble for this, even though it wasn't his idea.

"Sir, I can explain," Mattson stammered. "You see, Hapfield…"

"Hey!" Kory cried.

"No need," the new comer said. He pointed at the guitar Kory Hapfiled had been using. "May I?"

Kory couldn't get the guitar off fast enough. Mattson and the drummer disconnected their instruments and backed into the crowd.

He scrolled through the song selection. The Bridge was silent, no one bothered leaving because their curiosity of what was about to happen overrode their fear of punishment at this point. Finally, he found the perfect song, one that was a favorite when he was a kid, even though the song was a few hundred years old.

When he was finished with the song, jaws were hanging open around the Bridge. He handed the guitar back to Kory.

"Don't do this again, okay?" he said.

Kory nodded, and he left.

They stared at the numbers on the screen. Captain James T. Kirk had just finished playing one of the most difficult songs of the game, on expert level, only missing _three_ notes. Kirk suddenly had a whole new fan club following.


	28. Rule 280a

Sorry there was no update last week, I was having one of those weeks and, I am sorry to say, this thing was shoved aside.

This Reason has a serious humor, you could say. After all, there are some things that you can't get away with, even on the _Enterprise_. Still, I felt sorry for my little character, and was forced to give him a silver lining. There has to be some happy-go-lucky alien species out there. Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #280a:** No pranks or funny business when diplomats or VIPs are onboard.

Mouths dropped across the corridor. No one moved, no one even dared to breathe. Even Spock, in all his Vulcan-ness, was stunned. Kirk went through every single swear on his very long list in his head.

Lt. Carlson couldn't contain his horror. "_Oh frak!_"

In front of him, instead of the intended target of Ensign Bonin—who was down the corridor—Ambassador Mikell'lu stood covered in banana cream pie. With whipped cream. And a cherry.

Several onlookers mentally saw the Tamrun Agreement ripped up and thrown out the airlock. All because of a pie.

A banana cream pie. With whipped cream. And a cherry.

"Ambassador," Kirk said. "I… I don't know what to say… please, accept my deepest…"

"…Apology!" Carlson finished, trying desperately to wipe off the largest globs of pie from the Ambassador's head and upper torso. "It was a mistake, sir, honest. I am _so_ very, very, very, very, very…"

"Young man."

"…Very sorry. Please, I'll do anything to fix this! I'm so sorry…"

"Young Man…"

"…I'll do your laundry! Anything! Please, I am…"

"Young man!"

Carlson froze. Mikell'lu removed the Lieutenant's hands, and wiped some of the pie onto his finger. The Ambassador examined the glob, sniffed it, and stuck it in his mouth.

A few onlookers cringed. Several more mouths dropped open. Spock finally understood why his father said the Tamruni were "even stranger and illogical than humans", and why his mother agreed with that statement.

"Captain Kirk…" Mikell'lu said.

"Ambassador, I assure you Lt. Carlson will be punished accordingly," Kirk said quickly. Carlson shrank back. His career was over now, before it ever started. All because of a stupid pie.

A stupid pie that just ruined three _weeks _of finalizing diplomatic negotiations over a treaty and Federation Membership that had been in the works for five _years_. All of it ruined in a few seconds (hours, if you counted the time it took to bake the dang thing).

"If you do punish this young _Opren'qe_," the Ambassador said. "Might you send him to me after? He must give me the recipe for this… this… young man, what is this?"

"Banana cream pie," Carlson squeaked. "With whipped cream and a cherry."

"Delicious!" Mikell'lu cried, and ate another finger full. "I must have the recipe young man!"

Carlson's jaw dropped. "You… wha…? It's a family recipe!"

"A family recipe?" Mikell'lu pouted. "Well then, I will respect that. Young man, can you bake other delights?"

"Uh… yes?" Carsol replied.

"Excellent!" Mikell'lu cried.

Jaws dropped around the room as the Ambassador happily walked away, licking more finger-fulls of banana cream pie from his head. The Ambassador's attendants shrugged, and followed him.

Kirk looked at Carlson, who wanted to run and hide from the icy glare. "You are very lucky that the Tamruni are an all-around happy people," the Captain said. "And that I don't have a banana cream pie with whipped cream and a cherry right now to throw in_ your_ face."

"Sorry, sir," Carlson said quietly. His career was ended.

Three months later, Carlson was walking away from Starfleet HQ on Earth, minus his rank. A week after, he received a message from on Ambassador Mikell'lu of Tamrun, inviting him to become one of his personal chefs. The first food order the Ambassador gave him was for banana cream pie. With whipped cream. And a cherry.

The pie was to be served at the banquet celebrating Tamrun's induction to the Federation of Planets.

* * *

Moral of story: Everybody loves pie.

"I'll be chilling in my spaceship, have fun canoeing"


	29. Rule 388

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you have a ton of stuff to do and you put it all off to the last minute? Yeah, that's been me the last few weeks. Thus why I haven't updated the Reasons as much as the Rules. Also, I need to finish more of these, as in some are started but incomplete.

Then there's this guy.

I know that probably a lot of you wanted this one, so here it is. It didn't want to be written as one big scene, so... you see. You read!

Remember to review at the end!

* * *

**Rule #388:** Stop locking Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock in a turbo-lift just to see what happens.

The _Enterprise_ was stuck. The ship herself wasn't stuck, but her crew was. A lift car had jammed in the worst possible spot: between the main and lower hulls, and in the main shaft. The other lift-cars were forced into the three remaining lift tunnels.

It took a while to notice that the lift was missing or stuck, which was strange considering who was in it. But that was because they didn't want it known that the car was stuck. Several hundred credits were on the line, all because of the two passengers in the stuck lift car.

"Damn it!" McCoy said for the seventeenth time.

Yes, Spock had been counting. There was nothing else to do at this point, since all attempts to fix the problem had failed, and, for probably the first time in his life, Spock was out of logical ideas.

'_Second time_,' Spock reminded himself.

"What's taking them so long?" McCoy grumbled.

"The lift is in a most inconvenient location for a rescue," Spock replied. "It will take time to reach our current position."

"Great," McCoy said, sinking to the floor. "And of all the people to get stuck with," he added quietly.

Spock pretended not to hear.

A minute or two passed before McCoy looked up at the towering Vulcan. "How's the weather up there?" he asked.

Spock looked down, his eyebrow raised. "Weather, doctor? There are no atmospheric disturbances in this space."

"Damn it, you hobgoblin, it was a _joke_!" McCoy cried. "I don't know why I bothered."

"How is the… weather down there?" Spock asked.

Even though he was sitting down, McCoy almost fell over.

Spock raised an eyebrow again.

"No Spock," McCoy spluttered. "It doesn't work that way."

Spock nodded, and went back to looking at the opposite wall.

McCoy sighed; it was going to be a _long _wait.

* * *

Ten minutes later, nothing had changed. McCoy was bored out of his mind. An old tune made it way to the surface of him mind, and he began to hum.

"Doctor, you do not work on a railroad."

McCoy stopped. "Excuse me?"

Spock looked down. "That song you are humming, it is "I've Been Working on the Railroad"."

"So? You don't have to work on a railroad to sing the song," McCoy replied. "Jeeze…"

He stared at the far wall, slowly bringing his anger down. That's when he started humming again.

Spock did not recognize the tune. "Doctor, might I request that you stop humming?"

McCoy just grinned, and started singing at the top of his lungs. "It means no worries! For the rest of your days! Yeah!" He jumped up. "It's our problem free! Phi-los-o-phy! Hakuna Matata!"

"Doctor, please remove your arm from around my shoulders…"

* * *

_Ten minutes after that_

"Eighty-nine bottles of rum on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of rum!"

"Dr. McCoy, please…"

"You take one down, pass it around…"

"Dr. McCoy…"

"Eighty-eight bottles of rum on the wall!"

Spock fought the urge to bang his head against the wall.

* * *

"Five."

"Bottles of rum on the wall…"

"Five."

"Bottles of rum!"

"You take one down."

"Pass it around!"

"Four."

"Bottles of rum on the wall!"

"Doctor, must we continue this?"

"…Bottles of rum on the wall…"

"Doctor, are you listening to me?"

"Bottles of rum!"

* * *

McCoy pulled at a loose thread on his shirt, and tossed it aside with a sigh as it snapped off. He looked up at Spock, who was still standing there, looking at the ceiling. McCoy tilted his head as he looked at the ceiling himself. Light was filtered through thousands of tiny holes so close to each other that they created a checkerboard type pattern.

"I wonder how many…" McCoy began to say.

"12, 756," Spock said.

McCoy blinked. "What?"

"12, 756," Spock repeated. "That is how many light filters there are in the ceiling."

"How did you know I was going to ask that?" McCoy asked.

"Simple really," Spock replied. "By judging the angle of your sight, facial expression, and beginning of your question, I was able to anticipate what you were going to ask."

"And how did you know the answer?" McCoy asked.

"I have already counted them eight times," Spock said matter-of-fact, and proceeded to count them a ninth time.

"Of course you did, you friggin' Vulcan…" McCoy mumbled.

* * *

"No way would that ever happen!"

"Doctor, when you consider the statistics of that particular team over the last few years, it is highly unlikely that they would succeed into making it to even the quarter finals," Spock said.

"You're just saying that because we got Lorik," McCoy replied.

"No," Spock answered. "I am saying that because the statistics and facts do not justify the assumption that…"

"…We're going to kick your ass?" McCoy cut in.

"No."

"You're saying that because we got your best player at the trade deadline!"

"One player does not suddenly make a team a championship team." Spock was about ready to end the argument.

"It does when we got Richard Lorik!" McCoy cried.

"I shall never fully understand human fascination with sporting teams…" Spock said.

"And yet you know all the statistics of all the teams in the Solar Baseball League," McCoy mumbled.

* * *

"OW!"

Spock sighed inwardly. "Doctor, I do not believe you are physically capable…"

McCoy glared at the Vulcan. "I am going to get this, Spock, even if it takes me until the next time we stop at Vulcan!"

"Very well, doctor," Spock said. "I do not understand why it is so difficult."

"Human fingers were not meant to go like this," McCoy said, pushing his ring and pinky fingers together, only to have them break apart once more.

"I have seen many humans master the Vulcan greeting," Spock said.

"Yeah well, maybe… Look! I got it!" McCoy held his hand up proudly. His ring and pinky fingers and middle and index fingers were grouped together, while his thumb stayed separate. "Live long and prosper."

Spock returned the gesture out of congratulations. "Live long and prosper."

McCoy nodded, but his smile quickly disappeared. "Oh crap."

"What is it, doctor?"

"My fingers are stuck like this... ow! OW! Cramp!"

* * *

It had been an hour and a half. Dr. McCoy had been stuck in a turbo lift with that Vulcan for an hour and half. Roughly and hour and a half. Spock would probably correct him down to the nanosecond.

"I can't take it anymore!" he yelled suddenly. "Get me out!"

"Doctor, we have already tried the emergency exit, it is jammed," Spock reminded him.

McCoy glared at the Vulcan with icy blue eyes. "Nobody asked you, you green blooded hobgoblin son of a bitch!"

Spock stared at McCoy with unblinking eyes. "_Lkap'uh t'du ru'lut, du watosh sbah khaf-maat sa-fu t'kitork ko-mekh_."

McCoy's mouth dropped open. "What?"

"I believe the phrase would be 'two can play at that game'," Spock replied, and went back to his calculations in his head.

McCoy stared at the floor as if it could give him the answers. '_Two can play at that game? What in blue blazes…?_'

McCoy looked back up at Spock. "Did you just _insult _me in _Vulcan_?"

Spock did not reply.

"WHY YOU LITTLE…!"

* * *

Two hours. That's how long it took for someone to realize that two very important crewmen were missing, along with a turbo-lift car. Ten minutes. That's how long it took to reach the car and its occupants.

"I got it!"

Scotty placed the cutter down, and started to lift the panel he had cut through. Once there was enough space, Kirk stuck his head through the gap.

His mouth would have dropped to the floor, except his head was upside-down, so it dropped to the ceiling instead. "_Spock_?"

Spock looked up. "Captain, I assure you, this is not what you think."

A greenish bruise had formed on Spock's cheek. He was sitting on the floor, with an unconscious Dr. McCoy sitting next to him. McCoy had one arm around Spock, and his head rested on the Vulcan's shoulder.

Scotty looked in. He blinked in surprise, and then a grin creeped across his face. "Aw, so _cute_!"

Once they were out of the turbo lift, and McCoy had regained consciousness, the Vulcan and the doctor stormed off to make sure a certain security tape _never _saw the light of day. The original copy was blasted by a phaser and launched into space.

* * *

Yes, that is Vulcan. I think. It is probably grammatically incorrect, and other stuff, but it's the Internet! So unless one of you actually knows Vulcan and wants to correct that statement, it is staying up there.


	30. Rule 339

Hello everyone! Hope everything is well. Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the US. This week's installment was requested by _Sonar_. Sorry I haven't been updating this on a more regular basis. I've been suffering by a form of writers block. Another story that I am trying to write is being really problematic, and is being distracting. I have Reasons ready to go, but I still need to tweek them.

Enough with all that. Go read! Remember to review at the end!

* * *

**Rule #339:** Do not rewire the controls on the Captain's Chair.

No one disputed the fact that it was Kirk's Chair.

Before Captain James T. Kirk took command of the _Enterprise_, it was simply the "Command chair". Those who came before him never seemed to fit it. April was too strong, and Pike seemed reluctant though stern. Kirk, however, was perfect for it. It was as if the thing had been made for him. Officially, it was still the "Command chair", but soon after Kirk took over, it became the "Captain's Chair", and then just "Kirk's Chair".

He often had to give it up when he was off the ship, or was needed somewhere other than the Bridge, or was overruled by someone of higher rank (he hated that), or when someone might have taken control of his ship (he _really_ hated that).

To Kirk, the chair was a symbol of his authority and status. He would rather be in that chair than anywhere else in the galaxy. When his shift was over, Kirk would reluctantly relinquish his chair, only to race back to regain it in a few hours when he was back on duty.

So, needless to say, James Kirk _loved _that chair.

However, right now, he did not love the chair.

"Sickbay to Bridge."

Kirk pressed a button. "Bridge, Kirk here. What is it Bones?"

"…Uh, Capt'n, Dr. McCoy isn't down here."

Kirk blinked. "Sorry, Scotty, wrong button."

Kirk turned off the link and frowned. He had pressed the right button, so why had it linked him to Engineering?

"Sickbay to Bridge…?"

Kirk pressed a different button. "Kirk here…"

The Yellow Alert klaxon went off. Kirk's mouth hung open for a second before he snapped it shut and pressed the button again. Instead of turning the Yellow Alert off, the Red Alert klaxon took over. Kirk's face flushed red as the rest of the Bridge crew turned to him in confusion.

"Captain…?" Spock asked.

"I don't know what the problem is!" Kirk yelled. "None of these controls do what they're supposed to!"

"Sickbay to Bridge!" McCoy yelled over the intercom. "What the hell is going on up there?"

"I don't know!" Kirk yelled, and then realized McCoy couldn't hear him. He looked at Uhura. "Get a link to Sickbay, tell McCoy I'll get back to him!"

Uhura nodded, and paged Sickbay. Kirk tried another button.

"Uh, Captain," Sulu said. "I think that was the wrong one…"

Kirk looked up as a small pod raced away from the ship. "What was that?"

"That was one of the research pods, Captain," Spock said. "It was unoccupied."

"Great," Kirk sighed. "Mr. Sulu, follow the pod and get a tractor beam on it."

"Yes sir," Sulu replied. It didn't take long for the _Enterprise_ to turn after her lost pod and start to pull it back.

"Kirk to Hangar… oh you have to be _kidding _me!"

Sulu and Chekov looked up, and their mouths dropped open. Kirk face palmed. "I thought that thing was uninstalled!" he cried.

Spock's eyebrow went up. He had been under the same impression, considering he had seen to the uninstallation himself.

A large disco ball dropped from an opening in the Bridge's ceiling and started spinning. Kirk tried to get rid of the thing, but instead spotlights appeared, and small circles of colored light danced across the walls and floor of the Bridge.

Kirk pressed another button, and music started blaring out of the ship's speakers. "Damn it!"

"But I like zees song," Chekov muttered. He slid down in his chair as several people shot him dagger filled looks

"That's it!" Kirk yelled. He pressed the button that had started it all. "Scotty!"

"No, Captain, this is Oakley in Security," the non-Scottish voice replied. "All Security units are…"

"Argh!" Kirk slammed his fist down on the button.

"Hey!" Sulu cried. The view screen suddenly went blank.

The Bridge crew watched as Kirk started slamming random buttons. Alarms and lights flashed around them, the disco ball continued to spin and the music changed to some strange Euro-pop song.

Chekov started dancing and singing along. "I like zees song too!"

"Pavel likes pop music, Pavel likes pop music!" Sulu teased.

"Pop music vas inwented in Russia!" Chekov snapped.

"Was not!" Uhura said.

"All of you shut up!" Kirk yelled. "Mr. Chekov, stop dancing!"

He accidently hit a new button, and the ship lurched violently. "Since when was my chair tied into navigation?" Kirk cried.

"How should I know?" Sulu replied.

"**Я думал,****это были****удалены**!" Chekov screamed, pointing at the view screen. Pictures were flashing across the screen.

"I thought we got rid of those!" Kirk cried. He pressed buttons wildly, trying to make the slide show stop. Chekov was close to tears, and yelling in incoherent Russian. Sulu was trying to calm the navigator down, and ignore the pictures on the view screen.

No one noticed Spock approach the Command chair from behind. He flipped open a panel, and raised an eyebrow. Two seconds later, the Bridge fell silent. The alarms finally turned off, and the disco ball stopped spinning. The view screen went back to normal.

"Wha…?" Kirk said, his mouth hanging open like a cod fish.

"I am impressed with the workmanship, Captain," Spock said, motioning to the open panel. "Considering that whoever did this obviously had not much training in electrical and computer wiring."

The panel was a mess of wires instead of the neat rows that they should have been in. Some of the wires had been too short for their intended destination, and were extended with what looked like paper clips wrapped in rubber bands.

"What the frak?" Kirk cried.

The intercom whistled. "Sickbay to Bridge!"

Kirk groaned. He spun around on his heel and rushed into the turbo-lift. "Spock, you have the Com.!"

McCoy couldn't understand why Kirk was so angry with him for the next day or so.

* * *

Yes, I used an online translator for Chekov. I don't take Russian. My friend does, I don't.


	31. Rule 273

Hello all! Sorry this is so late, but give me credit, it is still Wednesday! This one came to me in the middle of the night last Thursday. I blame my uncle's pumpkin pie. And Discovery Channel.

You could call this one a two-Ruler, but one is just tucked in there because it works. And maybe it is technically not canon; I would know: I am a stickler for canon. But I don't care, the two characters wanted in, so I let them! Either way, enjoy. Remember to Review! I'm not sure if I will be updating the next week or two. Finals and all that stuff, you know?

* * *

**Rule #273:** No more "pumpkin chunkin' contests". Maintenance is tired of cleaning squished pumpkin off the walls of the Hangar Bay.

(**Rule #179:** Do not shoot fruit cake out of the torpedo launch tubes. )

The air of the _Enterprise_ was so tense; you could cut it with a phaser. Spock would beg to differ, since it was impossible to cut tension between people, but nobody bothered to tell him. The _Enterprise_ was expecting a very special guest. Everything had to be shipshape. The usual messes were cleaned up, surfaces were polished and wiped down, the pirate flag in the Rec. Room was taken down, truces were called, uniforms were cleaned or replicated, the _Enterprise_ was ready for her guest:

Commodore Robert April and his wife, Sarah.

After years of service, Commodore April was finally retiring, and the _Enterprise_ was to take him and his wife home. The elderly couple had come full circle: They had left Earth on the _Enterprise_, they would return to Earth on the _Enterprise_. Much had changed in the time between. Though he had commanded the _Enterprise_ for several years, Commodore April, during the course of his tour around the ship given by Kirk and Dr. McCoy, was finding his memory of the ship was obsolete.

"This place is larger than I remember," April said as the small group entered the Hangar Bay.

"They performed a minor refit before I took over," Kirk said. "They extended the hangar bay so it could handle ten regular shuttlecrafts and three large. With space for a few extras."

"An improvement from the seven and two we had," April said.

"Everything is an improvement to what we had!" Sarah said.

"Captain, what is that?" April pointed to a spot on the wall near the ceiling. It was an orange mark.

Kirk's jaw dropped before he looked away and shook his head. "That's uh… dang it I thought they cleaned up!"

"Cleaned what?" April's questioning tone reminded Kirk of his father's when the Kirk boys were in trouble. McCoy crossed his arms, his blue eyes glinting. He was looking forward to this.

"It's a pumpkin, or what is left of a pumpkin, sir," Kirk explained. He felt his face start to turn pink. "There was a slight incident last week…"

"Pumpkin shooting?" April asked. Sarah gave a knowing smile.

"You could call it that," Kirk said.

"Chunkin'," McCoy corrected quietly. Kirk shot him a look.

"Not helping, Bones," he hissed.

April shook his head and chuckled and headed towards the exit. "Some things never really change."

"Never change?" McCoy said.

Sarah came up next to Kirk. "Don't worry, dear," she said. "A few crewmen received fruit cakes one year. They were found plastered to the outer hull of a Klingon ship a few days after we had a skirmish with it."

Kirk and McCoy did not follow the couple as they headed off. "You're not going to tell them about last year are you?" McCoy asked.

"Those in question cleaned the torpedo tubes out, right?" Kirk replied.

"I was giving them pain killers for two days due to back aches!"

"Then no, I'm not telling if you're not."

"Done."


	32. Rule 90

And this is what happens when I was supposed to be studying for a Lit exam. I've had three people request this one: _MagellinaFluffQueen_, _Ladyofthelake13_, and somebody else but I cannot find their request but I remember saying I would do it and... RANT STOP NOW! and after a few false starts, this little gem was hatched. I hope you enjoy the result of my brain protesting against me cramming so much information into it.

And NO, this is not slash! It doesn't count as that because Spock's judgment is, well, lacking. So there. Not slash. End of story.

Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #90:** Do not give Mr. Spock chocolate. Just… don't

(Setting: Corridor on Deck 6. It's about 0330 in the morning. Kirk and Spock walk out of the turbo-lift, and slowly make their way down the corridor. Kirk tosses a party hat and a few streamers behind them. There is a streamer hanging from Spock's ear. Spock has his arm over Kirk's shoulders, and is having a hard time staying on his feet and is humming random tunes. He stops and looks at Kirk.)

-"I love you, man."

-"You told me that five minutes ago."

-"Nah, but really!"

-"I know, Spock. Hey! Don't fall over now!"

-(_Laughs_) "Got'cha! But ser'rsly, Jim, I couldn' axe fo a *hiccup* better Cap'ain than you…"

-"Thanks Spock."

-"No problem."

(Awkward silence as Kirk and Spock continue down the corridor. Spock is leaning heavily on Kirk, who is constantly making sure no one is headed for them while making sure his first officer stays on his feet)

-"…What did they put in that drink anyways?"

-"I di'know. I think milk choc… no, dark, _defin_*hiccup*_ately_ dark chocolate. An' prob'ly some 'a Scott's special stuff fo good *hiccup* measure."

-"I can tell."

-"WHAT?"

-"Ow! Spock, that was my ear!"

-"SORRY CAP'AIN!"

-"Why are you yelling?"

-"…I di'know…"

-"Please stop."

-"Is that an _order_?"

-"_Yes_."

-"Okay… woop!"

(Spock trips, sending both to the ground. Kirk picks himself back up while Spock struggles to get back on his feet. He falls again in a fit of giggles)

-"Well I'm glad _you _find this funny, Spock."

-"But it is! Someone changed th' settin's on the gravity!"

-"Get up…!"

(Kirk pulls Spock to his feet, who almost falls again due to the momentum. They continue their journey down the corridor.)

-(_Spock hiccups again, and giggles_)

-"I'm glad you're a happy drunk rather than a violent one."

-"Tha's cause you wouldn't *hiccup* let me get a piece of Leonard."

-"I'd like to see you try, Spock."

-"Really? Okay!"

(Spock breaks free and stumbles back in the direction that they came from. Kirk spins around and grabs Spock's arm before the tipsy Vulcan can get too far.)

-"Oh no, where do you think you're going?"

-"Bu' I thought *hiccup* you said I could get a piece of Leonard…"

-"Don't you think you do that enough when you're sober?"

-"…No."

-(Eye roll) "_C'mon_, we're almost home."

-"Home? Since when were we headed to Vulcan?"

-"Your quarters, Spock. You're going to bed."

-"Will you read me a bedtime story?"

-"What? No!"

-"_Pleeeeease? *_hiccup*"

-"No!"

-"Meanie… whoa!"

(Kirk pulls Spock into an alcove as two crewmen pass by. He waits a few moments before checking if the coast is clear.)

-"Spock get your nose out of my hair!"

-"But it smells goooood."

-"I washed it this morning. Now c'mon."

-"Did you know Mr. Scott smells like lunch meat, machinery, a hint of scotch, and rosemary?"

-"No I didn… _rosemary_?"

-"Yep. An' Dr. McCoy smells like antiseptic and mint."

-"I should have guessed…"

-"An' Ms. Uhura smells like a summer breeze flowing through a garden…"

-"Spock, that's just weird."

-"It's true."

-"Uh-huh. You've been reading Earth love poetry again, haven't you?"

-"Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe I don't even know. Hey! That rhymed!"

-"Way to go, Shakespeare. We're here."

-"That did to!"

-"Knock it off, Spock."

(Kirk leans Spock against the wall, and the Vulcan promptly sinks to the floor and hiccups again. Kirk shakes his head and enters his code into the access terminal. The door slides open, and Kirk lifts Spock from the floor and starts to enter the room.)

-"No."

-"Spock, now what?"

-(_Whispers_) "I'm afraid of the dark."

-"Oh for the love of… Computer! Lights at 60%!"

(The lights in the room come on, and Spock follow's Kirk's lead. Kirk eases Spock down onto the bed, and Spock pulls Kirk down after him.)

-"Spock! Let me up!"

-"No!"

-"That's an order!"

(Spock lets go of Kirk and sticks his tongue out. Kirk stands up and straightens out his shirt. Spock suddenly kicks off his shoes and scrambles under the covers.)

-"Story!"

-"We went over this, I'm not telling any stories."

-"Please Jim?"

-(_annoyed voice_) "Once upon a time a Vulcan went to a party. A couple of his friends thought it would be funny to spike the Vulcan's drinks with various amounts of chocolate. The Vulcan got quite drunk, and after party hats, karaoke, dancing, a few more drinks, and almost setting the buffet table on fire, he had to be rescued by his captain in an attempt to protect the Vulcan's honor, which is still in jeopardy considering I have no idea how many people have posted videos and/or pictures of that party. The end."

-"…Again!"

-"Wha…damn it, no, Spock. Look, just stay here, I will be _right back_."

-"Where yah goin', Jim?"

-"Sickbay, to try and get you something to get all that chocolate out of your system."

(Spock jumps out of bed.)

-"Don't leave me!"

-"Spock, I'll be right back!"

-(_quietly_) "Promise?"

-"Promise."

-"Okay."

(Spock gets back under the covers.)

-"I'm tired."

-"Try not to fall asleep until I get back, okay?"

-"'Kay…"

(Kirk turns to leave.)

-"Hey Jim?"

-"Yes Spock?"

-"…I love you."

-"You told me that earlier."

-"Do you love me too?"

(Pause. Kirk forgets that the door is open.)

-"Yeah, Spock, I love you too."

(There is a happy sound followed by a hiccup that comes from the mass of blankets as Kirk leaves. He jumps in surprise as he discovers a crew girl standing on the other side of the hallway. She narrows her eyes.)

-"_I knew it!_"

(The girl runs off. Kirk realizes what just happened, and silently vows to personally punish the "genius" who thought it would be a good idea to spike Spock's drinks with chocolate. He head towards the nearest turbo-lift to go to Sickbay to get Spock something.)


	33. Rule 59

Hi. Really sorry I haven't posted more of these. I don't have an excuse.

Anyways, I have so far tried to avoid portraying Sulu and Chekov as the pransters of the Bridge Crew. Granted I can see why, they do seem like partners in crime, but I was giving them the benefit of the doubt. Until now. This Rule just _screamed_ Sulu and Chekov.

Hope you enjoy this short excursion. Reasons should return to a regular schedule soon. Remember to review!

* * *

**Rule #59:** No paper airplanes on the Bridge. Even during Gamma Shift.

"Spock."

"…"

"Spock?"

"…"

"Spock!"

Spock looked up. "Yes Captain?"

"Spock, why didn't you respond the first time?" Kirk asked.

Spock paused before he answered, taking the time to look past Kirk at the Navigation and Helm stations. Sulu and Chekov shifted in their chairs nervously.

"A paper projectile in the shape of an ancient Earth flying machine hit me in the ear last night while I was recalibrating my instruments," Spock replied.

"You were hit in the ear with a paper airplane?" Kirk said.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I believe that is what I just said." He could never understand the need humans had to repeat what he said in different terms that meant exactly what he said in the first place.

Kirk turned around and looked at Sulu and Chekov. "_Seriously_?"

"He did it!" the two yelled, each pointing at the other. The movement caused several paper airplanes to fall out of their hiding spots under the Helm console.

Kirk face-palmed. Not only did he have the best Helm and Navigation team in Starfleet, he had probably the most _immature_ Helm and Navigation team in Starfleet. This theory was quickly proven as the two burst into "it-was-_his_-idea-was-not-these-airplanes-are-not-mine-yes-they-are-you-liar-please-don't-hurt-us!" in Standard, Russian, and Japanese.

Dr. McCoy started whistling a tune as he backed towards the turbo-lift. No one noticed him crumple a paper airplane that had been hidden in his back pocket.


	34. Rule 644

Gah! I am SO sorry! In all honesty, I kind of lost interest in this for a bit, but the other day it made a comeback. So, help me out here in starting over (sort of) and let me know what Rules you want the Reasons for. Or just review as normal. Thank you!

* * *

**Rule #644:** Reminder to Medical staff: the word "sample" is to be used _sparingly_ around Mr. Chekov.

Annual physicals were not fun for anybody, whether they were on the Medical Staff or the other crew members. Especially Dr. McCoy, who would spend hours searching the ship for its Captain. One year he had to get Security to help, another he offered a bounty on the Captain's head to whoever could find him and bring him down (McCoy reluctantly gave the reward to Spock).

This year, he had another problematic patient. He had come in willingly, and was perfectly fine at first, going through all the tests with ease while reminding everyone he could that "it was invwented in Russia", and since he was Russian, he naturally passed all of his tests. Two of the ship's psychologists were about ready to write a paper on the so-called "In(w)vented in Russia Complex".

Then came the tricky part. They didn't realize it was going to be tricky until it happened. After all, it had been several months, and Chekov hadn't shown any signs of any mental trouble.

"How's it going, Ms. Chapel?" Dr. McCoy asked.

Chapel looked up from the computer readout. Pavel Chekov sat on the bio-bed swinging his legs off the side. The young navigator reminded McCoy of a kid who went to the doctor's office to prove how fit he was and how brave he was when it came to shots and was expecting a lollipop at the end for his good behavior and good health. Then again, he was getting a lollipop at the end; one of the Medical staff had put out a basket of lollipops for those who did well in their physical (the incentive of candy had not made it any easier to track down the Captain, though).

"Very well, doctor," Chapel replied as McCoy joined her. "All that is left is we need a few samples…"

The reaction was instantaneous. Chekov's eyes turned into saucers. He leaped off of the bio-bed and sprinted out of the room screaming.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

McCoy and Chapel were left standing in the treatment room.

"Oops," Chapel said quietly.

"I thought he was over that," McCoy moaned.

It took a little while before anyone found Chekov hiding in one of the Jefferies' tubes, sucking frantically on two lollipops. It took several more lollipops and an offer of some vodka before he came out.

* * *

I know this is short, but more _are _coming, I swear!


	35. Rule 64

Hey all! I wrote this one a while back. I'm probably one of the few students who is not a fan of ramen noodles.**  
**

Today is May 9th, three years ago 'Star Trek' came out in theaters, so if you own it go watch it! New movie comes out next year, and I recently found out the villain is going to be Khan (played by Benedict Cumberbatch of 'Sherlock' fame). Kudos to JJ Abrams for daring to take on TOS's greatest villain, but seriously? Honestly, I was hoping he wouldn't do that.

Anyways, please review after reading! Give me suggestions! You've got 900 Rules to choose from!

* * *

**Rule #64:** Don't use lab equipment to cook your own food.

Everyone jumped as an alarm went off on the Bridge (including Spock, but you couldn't tell nor would he admit to it). Kirk barely managed to save his coffee from spilling onto Sulu's back. Uhura squealed. The Engineering and Environmental Control officers both swore semi-loudly. Chekov was pulled out of his daydream of a pretty Russian girl he once knew who was about to kiss him, and fell to the ground. He scrambled back into his chair, thankful that everyone else was too busy to notice.

"Report!" Kirk barked, shaking the excess coffee from his hand.

"Fire in Science Lab 6, Captain," Uhura said. "Control and Damage teams are on their way, safety measures are underway now."

Spock stood up and headed for the turbo-lift. Someone had lit one of his Labs on fire. Kirk quickly followed. Someone had lit his _ship_ on fire, which took precedence over Spock's department lab.

"Sulu you have the comm.!" Kirk said just as the doors closed.

The Bridge crew waited a few seconds before moving.

"Oh boy," Uhura whistled.

"I would _hate _to be the people on the receiving end of _that_," Sulu said.

"_Da_," Chekov agreed.

It took twenty-four-point-five-eight-two seconds for the turbo-lift to drop to the necessary deck. As soon as the doors were open, Spock was off. Kirk had to run to keep up with the Vulcan, who was walking. Finally, they reached the scene of the fire.

"Move!" Kirk yelled. "Out of the way!"

The crowd of on-lookers parted for the Commanding Officers. They made their way over to the control chief.

"All under control now, sirs," he said. "Minor damage, nothing that can't be repaired or fixed. No injuries either."

"What happened, Mr. Brown?" Spock asked.

Brown rubbed the back of his neck. "A couple of technicians decided to use a few of the hot plates for, erm, unconventional purposes. No one was hurt; Security is going through the tapes now."

"What kind of unconventional purposes?" Kirk asked.

"Wha'd I miss?" McCoy asked, skidding to a stop.

"Nothing, doctor," Spock replied. "I was about to inspect the damage to Lab 6."

Brown didn't bother stopping the three from entering. Instead, he turned to the crowd once the doors were closed.

"All right!" he yelled. "Which one of you idiots did this?"

"Over here!"

McCoy was looking over a blackened hot plate as Kirk and Spock joined him. The plate was one of three. One of the other two had a pot of some kind melted to the hot plate. Kirk picked up the whole melted mess.

His nose crinkled. "What's that smell?"

They looked into the pot. Kirk rolled his eyes. "Ramen! They used a hot plate to cook ramen noodles!"

"And marshmallows from the looks of this one," McCoy added, poking a glob of burnt-something-or-another.

"Spock? Spock!" Kirk and McCoy watched as the Vulcan exited the room, and everyone outside watched as he walked down the hall into the waiting turbo-lift.

Once inside, Spock was glad the turbo-lift security camera had a blind spot. He now knew why Dr. McCoy was so keen on banging his head against the wall when someone came into Sickbay with an idiotic reason for being there.

When the turbo-lift doors opened, he almost walked into three science crewmen who smelled of burnt ramen noodles and marshmallows.

"Dang," one of them whispered.

That day, the crew discovered that it was possible to suffer wrath at the hands of a Vulcan. They couldn't get the smell out of Lab 6 for months.


	36. Rule 282

Hello again! I should be updating this story every (or every other) Wednesday. The Rules are every other Monday. If you would like a Rule to get a Reason, tell me and I'll do my best! Remember to review, which shouldn't be too hard since FanFiction made the Review Button several times bigger the other day. Thanks!

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**Rule #282:** Stop dressing up the skeleton models in Sickbay and the Science Labs.

"Nurse Chapel!"

Christine Chapel shook her head. Even though it was a quiet day in Sickbay, Dr. McCoy had yelled her name eight times so far. And this time he did not sound amused (not that he did the last seven times).

"Yes, Doctor?" she said, walking into the lab room.

McCoy turned around. "What is this supposed to be?" he asked. He waved his hand at the old human skeleton model hanging in the corner. She wasn't exactly sure why McCoy insisted on having the thing, perhaps he wanted a literal "skeleton in the closet". Or maybe it was to remind him of being an "Ol' country doctor", the kind that always had a skeleton hanging somewhere in their office.

She couldn't help but smile, though she knew the med techs who decorated the skeleton were going to regret doing so very soon. "It is supposed to be you, Leonard, in a top hat. His name is Not-Bones."

"_Not_-Bones? Since when did this thing have a name?"

"Since you never gave it one. And it's better than 'That-weird-old-skeleton-Doctor-McCoy-keeps-over-there'. Someone wanted to call him Akhmed for some reason."

McCoy looked back at the skeleton, which was dressed in his blue medical smock, black uniform pants, and a random top hat. He shrugged. "Well, that explains where my shirt went."

Chapel nodded. "Did you see the one in Science Lab 10?"

"No," McCoy replied. "Why?"

She smiled. "It has pointed ears."

Dr. McCoy was out the door in under nine seconds (a personal record). He almost crashed head first into Spock, who was making his way to Sickbay. There were small repercussions from the creation of Not-Bones, mostly for the theft of Dr. McCoy's medical smock, but Not-Bones found a loving home in Sickbay; though it took the combined power of Captain Kirk, the rest of the senior officers, and all of the medical staff to convince McCoy the top hat looked better on the skeleton than it did on him.


	37. Rule 21

Hi, sorry, completely forgot to post this yesterday, and by time I did remember, I no longer had access to my laptop. Sorry!

Wrote this one a while ago, and I apologize if Scotty is impossible to understand. If he is, tell me and I'll fix it so other people can understand him.

Please remember to review! Thank you!

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**Rule #21:** Do **not**, under any circumstances, insult the _Enterprise_ in Scott's presence. You will be sorry.

Lt. Thomas McGurn was the newest member of the _Enterprise_ Engineering family. He had transferred over from the _Potemkin_ after serving there for three years. Scotty was looking forward to having a new and experienced member join his motley bunch; McGurn certainly had the credentials.

After a Department Heads meeting that went far longer than it was supposed to (Spock complaining about misuse of Lab equipment), Scotty was ready to get back to his engines and get to know the new guy. He had assigned DeSalle to give McGurn a full tour of Engineering until he could get down there. By now, they should be done.

As the doors opened, Scotty noticed something was off. All of the machinery was running fine, however the mood in the large room was sour. The Engineers all had disapproving looks upon their faces, and would from time to time glare at the doorway to Scotty's office.

"What's wrong wit' ye all?" Scotty asked. "You all look like yeh sat on a thistle!"

"Yeah, well, that thistle's name is Thomas McGurn," an Engineer replied. "He and DeSalle are in your office. The guy's a stuck up, know-it-all son of a…"

"He cannae be tha' bad," Scotty said. "It's his first day, cut 'im some slack. I'll go talk to 'im."

"His funeral," the Engineer whispered behind Scotty's back.

Scotty entered his office to find DeSalle sitting at his desk, and McGurn on top of one of Scotty's current side projects. But the fact he was sitting on a delicate machine wasn't what bothered Scotty. What bothered Scotty was what came out of McGurn's mouth.

"…than the sorry state of things on this ship," McGurn finished saying. He turned around. "Oh, Mr. Scott, I was wondering when you'd show up."

"Mind getting off tha', laddie?" Scotty said, pointing to his project.

"Oh, this? Sorry." McGurn stood up. "Aw, man, I got grease on my pants!"

DeSalle snorted quietly. Scotty looked at him. His assistant Engineer returned the look. He clearly did not approve of the new guy, and looked about ready to throw something at him.

"Lt. McGurn here was just comparing the facilities and conditions of the _Potemkin_ to those here," DeSalle said matter-of-fact.

"Oh really?" Scotty said.

"Yeah, you'd think they'd all be the same, but they're not," McGurn answered. "The _Potemkin _is far superior in a number of aspects to the _Enterprise_."

"Well, tha's ta be expected," Scotty said, holding back his temper. "I understand th' _Potemkin _jus' finished an overhaul."

"No thanks to this ship," McGurn said.

"Excuse me?" Scotty snapped.

"The _Enterprise_ is what sent the _Potemkin _into dry-dock for eight months originally," McGurn explained. "They just decided to upgrade her a bit more."

"Th' _Enterprise_ had no choice in th' matter," Scotty said slowly. He ignored McGurn's raised eyebrow as he stroked the closest bulkhead. "It was tha' stupid computer M-5 tha' damaged those ships."

"They were still _Enterprise_ phasers, though," McGurn countered.

"Aye, but we were not firin' 'em."

McGurn shrugged. "We might as well thank you guys, though, since that whole episode resulted in the upgrades. The _Potemkin _is far superior to the _Enterprise _now."

"Take that back!" DeSalle hissed. "Take that back _right now_!"

"Why? It's true," McGurn answered. "These engines are much more inefficient than the one on the _Potemkin_. If you ask me, all the hype about this ship is over rated."

"Get out."

McGurn turned to Scotty. "What?"

"I said, _**get out**_," Scotty growled.

DeSalle shrank down behind the desk. "That's why," he said. He had seen Scotty like this once or twice before. He did _not _want to get in the way of what was coming.

The Engineering crew listening outside the door barely had enough time to dive out of the way as McGurn came flying out of Scotty's office, screaming, with an enraged Scotsman on his heels. Once the two left Engineering, they all burst out laughing, and it took a few minutes for someone to call Security.

Scotty was found prowling the lower decks, while McGurn was found cowering in a Jefferies Tube. He was placed in the brig, for a few reasons. One, because that's where the _entire_ Engineering Department (and several other crew members from around the ship) would have put him after tearing Scotty off of him. Second, because after hearing what McGurn had said, most agreed that was where he belonged. And third, and this was the official reason, because it was the safest place to put him for a few hours while everyone else calmed down. Especially since McCoy pretty much refused to let the guy into Sickbay, and Scotty already had Chekov and most of the Computer Science department lined up ready to hack into the systems in McGurn's quarters.

So, in less than a day, Lt. Thomas McGurn sent in a request for transfer. He was transferred back to his beloved _Potemkin _a week and a half later. Kirk barely held the Admirals off from punishing the majority of his crew, since they wanted to punish the _entire_ Engineering Department and a number of others. Scotty found another blotch on his record, but he could care less. In fact, he sent Kirk a request, and Kirk then forwarded the request, that the _Enterprise_ faced off with the _Potemkin _the next time they had 'Fleet war games.

"We'll show that little SOB 'inefficient'," Scotty said. His motley crew of Engineers (and a number of other crew members) agreed.

The request took a while to go through.


	38. Rule 93

It's Thursday. Whatever. I think someone requested this one a while ago, but I can't remember...

Please review! I read them all, and respond to them! So if you say hello, I will say hello too!

Sorry if the ending seems a bit abrupt. I really wanted to post this.

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**Rule #93:** Slipping any colored hair die into a superior officer's (or any officer's for that matter) shampoo is not allowed (again, we have pictures, so don't replicate).

"What? _What_?" Dr. McCoy moaned. His hand searched for the damn button that would turn that infernal beeping off. "I'm up! Jeez, Christine, my shift doesn't start…"

"_Bones!_"

McCoy rolled off the side of his bed. Only one person called him that. "Damn it, Jim! What the heck did you do that for?"

"Bones, I need you to help me," Kirk replied. He sounded panicked, which was rare for James Kirk.

"What is it, Jim?" he asked. "What's so important that you just _had _to wake me up?"

It was a well known fact on the _Enterprise_ that you _never_ woke Dr. McCoy up unless someone was dying in Sickbay, or the ship was going to explode. Or both. Those who had done so before would sometimes find themselves suddenly pinned to the wall or floor, something chucked at their head, a punch to the face, or a hypo-spray to the arm. Luckily, the crew members were quick learners, for the most part.

"I need you to come to my quarters," Kirk answered. "Now."

McCoy sat up. "Is something wrong, Jim?"

"Hell yes something's wrong!" Kirk yelled. "Bones, get over here NOW!"

"Fine, yes, yes, I'm coming!" McCoy said. "I'll be over in a few minutes."

"Good."

The link went dead, and McCoy scrambled to his feet. This was not like Jim at all. The man was clearly agitated and panicking, over what McCoy couldn't guess. The doctor pulled on his uniform and grabbed the Medi-kit and tricorder he always kept in his room. He quickly strode out and down the hall.

"This had better be good, Jim," he muttered. "I don't like to make house calls in a bathrobe."

Two and a half minutes and several odd looks later, McCoy arrived at Kirk's quarters. He ignored the buzzer and banged on the door with his fist.

"Come in!"

McCoy walked into Kirk's room to find it almost completely dark. He ordered the lights to 60%. Kirk looked up from his bed.

"Jim, what is that?" McCoy pointed to a cap on Kirk's head, one that Kirk had bought at the Nivi'an version of a ski resort. "If you called me here for a joke, Captain, so help me it won't matter what rank you are…"

"Bones," Kirk said. "You have to do me a favor before I take this thing off."

"What Jim?" McCoy asked.

"Promise you won't laugh," Kirk replied.

"Laugh at what?"

"Promise!"

"Fine, I promise not to laugh."

"Swear you won't!"

McCoy sighed. "I swear on my profession I won't laugh. Now Jim, what is wrong?"

"This." Kirk reached up, and pulled the cap off his head. McCoy's jaw dropped to the floor. Suddenly, he fell over, laughing.

"Bones!" Kirk cried.

"I, I'm s-sorry Jim!" McCoy laughed. "But, hoo Lord, what happened to your hair?"

Kirk frowned. He was sporting a head of _purple_ hair; bright purple. "I don't know, Bones. I entered the shower this morning with my regular hair color, and came out with this!"

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Fix it!"

McCoy shook his head. "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a hair stylist."

"_BONES_! I have to beam down to Listria in an hour and a half!"

"Fine, all right, all right, calm down Jim. I might have something that will help."

Kirk held out his arm. "Hit me."

McCoy smiled. "It's in Sickbay, Jim."

Kirk glared at him. "_Fine._"

.

"Doctor, what are you… oh, good morning Captain." Christine Chapel smiled at the sight of Kirk wearing his little cap, though the look on his face caused her to quickly drop the smile.

"C'mon Jim," McCoy said, and dragged his friend and Captain into his office.

Kirk sat down in the chair in the corner while McCoy opened a cabinet and started searching through it. "I know it's in here some… ah!" He pulled out a small box and tossed it over to Kirk. "Try that."

"What is it?" Kirk asked. He opened the box, and then looked up at McCoy. "Bones, why do you have a _toupee _in your office?"

McCoy shrugged. "In case I ever get around to pulling all of my hair out because of this crew. Now try it."

After a few seconds of trying to figure out which way was the front and which was the back, Kirk managed to put the hair piece on.

"It itches," he stated matter-of-fact.

"Shut up, you baby," McCoy sighed. His eyes sparkled with inner laughter. "You look much better." He adjusted the hair piece. "There!"

Kirk grabbed the closet mirror, and inspected his new hair. "I guess it'll work… but what about my real hair?"

"I'm sure the replicator can come up with the correct shade of hair coloring." McCoy shrugged. "Now, don't you have a conference to finish getting read for?"

* * *

Several hours later, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Lt. Com. Donovan from Relations, and Ambassador Keller returned to the ship. Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott were there to greet them, and almost fell over at the sight of Kirk's hair.

It was purple, again.

"Captain…?" Scotty gasped.

"Jim…?" McCoy's eyebrow shot up.

"One, it was windy," Kirk said. "Two, I lost _it_, Bones. And three, it turns out that dying your hair an unnatural color is accepted in Listrian society, and _purple_ is reserved for only those in authority."

"In other words, it worked out for the best," Keller said, grinning. Despite Kirk's best attempts, he knew that his assistant had managed to sneak a few pictures. So had he.

"_Purple!_" Scotty squeaked.

"Yes, we got _that_, Mr. Scott," Kirk sighed. "All that aside, I still want to find the one responsible for this!"

"Sure, just one thing, Jim," McCoy said as Kirk headed towards the door.

"Yes?"

"How do you expect to get back to your quarters with your head looking like a grape?"

Kirk reached into a hidden pocket and pulled out his ski-cap from before. He tugged it onto his head before exiting the transporter room.

"I believe that answers that question," Spock said.

"_Purple!_" Scotty squeaked.

McCoy started wondering what Spock would look like if someone managed to dye the Vulcan's hair, say, a nice royal blue…


	39. Rule 308

Here we go again! Sorry, really lost track of time, and I had the rough idea for this one but it wouldn't come out right... until about an hour ago when I looked at it and said "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" and wrote it. So there.

This is for _Kitty O_, and somebody else who I have now forgotten who so could you please tell me so it will stop bugging me?

Remember to review please! Thank you!

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**Rule #308:** The only time you are allowed to say your name is "Bond; James Bond" is when you are being interrogated or if it's your real name (though according to the crew roster, nobody's name is James Bond).

Captain Kirk looked up as the buzzer on his door went off. "Come in!"

The door opened, a one Lt. Bowen stepped into Kirk's room. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"

"Yes, I need you to do something," Kirk said. He opened a drawer and pulled out a store-bought holo-card. "I need you to sign this."

Bowen took the card from Kirk. It was a "get well soon" card, though as far as Bowen knew, none of his friends were sick.

"It's for Lt. Daniel Quindazi," Kirk answered Bowen's silent question. "He's a Science Technician on the _Lexington_."

"If you don't mind me asking, sir, why am I signing a get well card for this Lt. Quindazi?" Bowen asked. "I don't know who he is."

"You no doubt remember that little incident of yours on Signa V a week ago?" Kirk asked.

Bowen shifted uncomfortably and flinched at the memory of the incident Kirk was talking about. After all, he was still serving punishment for it. "Yes sir."

"Well, four days after we left orbit, the _Lexington _arrived arrived," Kirk explained. "Two days later, Lt. Daniel Quindazi and some of his friends decided to go out for some drinks. They found a local bar, and after a few hours, Lt. Quindazi's judgement was, well, less than perfect. For some reason, he declared to the entire establishment that his name was James Bond."

Bowen turned a little pale.

"Unfortunately, Quindazi bore a striking resemblance to another James Bond who had come in several days earlier and caused quite a ruckus. He was mistaken for this other James Bond, and started a bar fight without even throwing the first punch. He is still in the _Lexington_'s Sickbay recovering."

Bowen was silent for a few moments before responding with a simple, "Oh crap."

.

A few days later, Lt. Daniel Quindazi found a new card next to his bio-bed. The card explained why there was such a violent reaction to him claiming his name was James Bond, the promise of free drinks the next time the _Lexington _and the _Enterprise_ were in the same area, and a very very very very very very repetitive apology.


	40. Rule 23

See who can get the reference in this one. And I mean the one that doesn't have to do with _Star Trek_. It's a bit obscure, but I know enough of my readers like this particular fandom to maybe get it. Maybe.

Please review after reading! Reviewing makes me remember to update this... not that I need it... most of the time... I'll shut up now.

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**Rule #23:** Do not argue with Chekov when he says something was invented in Russia. You probably won't win, or make him change his opinion.

"You're wrong!"

"No, you're vwrong!"

Ensign Chekov and Ensign Park leaned over the table, their foreheads less than a centimeter away from each other. The occupants of Rec. Room 4 watched as the argument and tension escalated. Captain Kirk came in and tapped the shoulder of the nearest crewman.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Well, uh, Chekov lost a game of chess to Park. Then Park said that Chekov couldn't have won anyways, since Tri-D chess was invented in Korea. Chekov said he was wrong and that it was invented in Russia, and well… this happened."

Kirk looked over at the argument. The two ensigns' foreheads were barely a millimeter away from the other at this point, crinkled with anger, and eyes and voices flashing with national pride. It wasn't uncommon for Chekov to claim that something was "invwented in Russia", but it was very rare for someone to contest his claim to the point of a shouting match. Heck, even Scotty knew he would never win the argument over where his beloved liquor originated from. For the most part, people had learned to laugh at Chekov's false claims.

Ensign Park was new, so it was understandable that he did not understand the nature of Chekov's claim regarding Tri-D chess.

"It was invented in Korea!" Park growled.

"No, eet vas invwented in Russia!" Chekov snapped.

The room was silent, and it was clear that the argument was reaching a critical moment. Kirk stepped forward and opened his mouth to break it up when Mr. Spock rushed past him and slammed (but not really because that would be illogical and emotional, but only if you asked him) a PADD down on the table between the two ensigns, who both jumped in surprise.

"You are both wrong," he stated matter-of-fact, and walked away.

The two backed away to get a good look at the PADD. The tension in the room radiating from them diminished...

...For about ten seconds.

"See, I told you that you were wrong," Park said.

"So vwere you," Chekov countered.

"Yes, but you were wrong!"

"_Da_, but you vwere also vwrong!"

"That doesn't matter, you were wrong first!"

"Vwas not!"

Kirk rolled his eyes. "You have _got _to be kidding me."

* * *

_Star Trek _cannon does not give an origin to Tri-D chess. If someone finds it, though, please tell me.


	41. Rule 378

Hi! I'm going to try and jump-start these, so while they won't be updated every week, they will be updated semi-regularly, not every four months.

Please review after reading!

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**Rule #378:** Don't call Dr. McCoy "Shirley".

It was not uncommon for Dr. Leonard McCoy to visit the Bridge. In fact, it would have been considered a serious matter if the good doctor did not visit the Bridge, somebody would have to be dying for McCoy not to visit the Bridge at least once a day. Captain Kirk had to explain to any important visitors why McCoy was on the freedom to come and go as he pleased on the Bridge. The reason changed almost every time Kirk had to explain it, but the real reason that, when McCoy first arrived, Kirk had ordered him and had him bodily removed from the Bridge multiple times, only to have the good doctor show up the next day. After a while, Kirk just gave up and let McCoy stay. Also, McCoy in a bad mood kind of scared the Captain.

Unfortunately, McCoy's bad moods were also not uncommon, and were regular occurrences. If there was any reason why the childhood aversion to doctors redeveloped in James Kirk and several other crew members on the _Enterprise_, an angry Dr. McCoy was the reason. Today, Dr. McCoy was in a particularly sour mood.

The Bridge crew turned as the turbo-lift doors opened and McCoy stormed onto the Bridge. He looked around the Bridge, his eyes resting on Kirk for a few seconds before moving along to the next person (Chekov, who let out a small whimper). Kirk involuntarily tightened his grip on his arm rest. Something about McCoy's gaze told him that the good doctor was about three seconds away from pulling him out of _his_ Chair, though why exactly Kirk had no idea. Yet.

McCoy finally turned to Lt. Uhura, his features softening a bit out of courtesy for the young lady. He held out his hand. "I need to make a ship-wide announcement. Now."

Uhura looked at Kirk, who nodded for her to give McCoy the microphone headset. She carefully handed it over and flipped a few switches.

"All set, doctor," she said. "You're broadcasting."

"Thank you," he replied, and cleared his throat. "Attention, crew members of the _Enterprise_, this is your Chief Medical Officer speaking. Due to some kind of misunderstanding, I must inform you that, and I am completely _serious_ about this…

"**MY NAME IS NOT SHIRLEY, SO STOP CALLIN' ME THAT!**"

McCoy waited a few seconds for the ship to stop vibrating from the sound of his amplified voice. "Thank you, and have a nice day."

Lt. Uhura turned the loudspeakers off as McCoy handed back the headset. "Thank you, Miss Uhura, and I'm sorry for yellin' in your ear like that."

"It's okay," Uhura said quietly.

McCoy smiled, spun around on his heel, and left the Bridge.


	42. Rule 7

*Looks around* I'm just going to put this here. Review if you like! *scurries back to the library to do homework*

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**Rule****#7:** Do **not** challenge Scotty or Chekov to a drinking game. And do **not** challenge them both at the same time. It will end badly.

Captain Kirk looked down at the two officers and one ensign sprawled out on the Bio-beds before him. He placed his hands on his hips. "Now then, gentlemen, what have we learned?"

"Vodka hurts in the morning," Scotty grumbled. "It hurts just as much as scotch."

"Scotch is not milk," Chekov added.

"That I should know better than to get suckered into a drinking game with these two," McCoy groaned.

Kirk nodded. "Excellent. Well, you three are excused from your shifts this morning, but I'm adding shifts to make up for it. Make sure this doesn't happen again, got it?"

The response was low mumbling.

"Got it?!" he yelled.

"Ach! Aye Capt'n!"

"Da!"

"Yes, damn it!"

Kirk left his two officers and one ensign to recover from their hangovers and for the anti-hangover drugs to kick in. He had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time he would find a combination of the three in Sickbay the morning after a shore leave, but hopefully next time it wouldn't be because they insulted each other's drink of choice, and proceeded to engage in a drinking contest.

There was no winner.


End file.
